Warning! Are You Sabotaging Your Heart?

Why do women date assholes?

There are probably as many answers to this oft-asked rhetorical question as there are assholes. Or women.

That said, there is one reason that rises above the rest, both in terms of accuracy, and in terms of usefulness to those who are asking. Because there are, in fact, things that nice guys can learn from assholes without actually becoming one.

Yes, “bad boys” are entertaining–and more to the point, aren’t boring and predictable. Yes, they have the shine of danger and excitement on them, and they lend a rebellious feeling of dating that guy your parents warned you about. Yup, they offer protection from other assholes, and yes, there is the attractive possibility of conversion, i.e. transforming a bad boy into marriage material.

But none of that is the most primary, underlying reason that women shun nice guys in favor of jerks.

So here it is, the #1 reason why women date “bad boys’ (read: assholes)…

Despite what men who have been frequently rejected might think, women are not, on the whole, sociopaths.  Like most human beings, they tend to be empathetic. They don’t like to see others in pain, and they especially hate feeling (or being made to feel) like they are responsible for that pain. So when they meet a guy for the first time, among their first concerns is:

Will I break him?

If she suspects the answer is yes, that this guy will fall hard and fast for her and smash his heart against her like a wooden boat against a rocky cliff, she will put up all her defenses in an attempt to protect them both from that sad fate. She doesn’t know why she’s responding this way, all she knows is that she feels uncomfortable, and that the guy she is talking to made her feel that way. So she’ll reject him. Sometimes politely, sometimes vehemently, always resentfully.

If, on the other hand, he appears to have no heart to break, then what has she got to lose?

Assholes appear indestructible. Their cocky, tough-guy persona assuages this fear of accidental heart-maiming. It lets her relax and just (re)act naturally.

When a guy is polite, respectful, and complimentary to a woman, she feels an unspoken pressure to respond in kind. He is on his best behavior, so she had better be as well. It’s like going to a job interview she never signed up for.

If, on the other hand, a dude is rude, uncouth, and even unkind, so long as he does it with a playful, teasing attitude, she feels free to snipe back, and to be herself. Like play-wrestling with the boy next door.

To sum up: women date assholes because there is no pressure. No pressure to be a “lady,” no pressure to avoid breaking his heart. And no pressure = pure, unadulterated fun.

This is what nice guys can learn from assholes: women like fun. They like playful, relaxed interactions with no expectations and NO PRESSURE. Sexual, social, or otherwise.

Here are a few rules to get you through the very first moments of an encounter:

DON’T: Treat her like a delicate flower. You may think you’re being nice, but you’re actually being disrespectful and patronizing.

DO: Treat her like one of your buddies.  Be insouciant. Tease, toy, prod. Look distracted. Be willing at all times to walk away.

DON’T: Expect anything from her, or the interaction. You just met!

DO: Have fun, and invite her to join you.

After that, be yourself.

In short, you don’t need to be an asshole. You just need to hold the situation lightly. Treat the encounter as it truly is, two people who don’t need anything from each other, and don’t owe each other a damn thing.


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