The PUA (Pick Up Artist) community is rife with nonsense reasons why women occasionally put up resistance just before sex is about to happen. Rationalizations that are true a minority of the time, like, “they need to seem as though they put up resistance or they will be seen as a slut.” Or Mystery’s idea that “It is a biological response to the high stakes of having sex.” He’s actually right that it is about stakes, but not right about it being a biological response.
A lot of PUAs have imagined reasons that are so irrational that men can feel justified in simply squashing them in order to get to sex. And ironically, this railroading of women’s objections only serves to exacerbate the problem. In fact, no one in the PUA community has ever given the real reason why “LMR” (Last-Minute Resistance) occurs.
Well, here it is, the true underlying reason: A phenomenon we at The Attractive Arts call the “Not-Okay No Effect” or NONE. The secret behind it can be summed up simply: She won’t say “yes” if you can’t embrace “no.”
There is no yes, without embracing no.
Imagine, for a moment, that you’re a woman. You’ve just finished a nice dinner, and your date reaches for the check while casting you a seductive glance. At that moment you start feeling: He is buying, and he just made it sexual. Can I say “no” now? I do find him attractive, but I want it to be my choice. And then you start thinking, “I have a rule, no sex on the first date. Besides, I have to get up early, and…” He thought he was being very subtle and sly with that sexy smile, but now your internal struggle with the question of whether or not to “put out” has taken you completely out of the moment and drawn you up into your head.
After dinner, your date changes the venue and makes you forget all of your concerns with some dancing. The dancing gets mighty steamy, with plenty of groping and even some kissing. Then it’s back to his place for a drink. You start wondering about what his place will look like, and think about how nice–and what a good kisser!–he is. You are a little concerned about your safety, but you’ve been watching him and he seems like an upstanding guy, so you feel OK about it. But as soon as you walk in, he decides to make a dramatic display of passion. He grabs you and pins you against the wall, kissing you and groping your lady bits with an urgency that wasn’t there before.
You have been enjoying the slow, sensual dance of desire, when suddenly you are flying down foreplay highway, heading full speed toward Intercourse because the same guy who was so playful and casual earlier has become a jackhammer locomotive of sexual desire. You’ve already said “yes” with your behavior thus far, and maybe even with your words. But suddenly the pressure he is putting on you, probably without even realizing it, makes you feel afraid because you don’t have time to process the passion that is now being demanded of you. Your self determinism is threatened because you must make an immediate decision or it will be made for you by default.
However, you don’t know why you feel afraid, so you start to look for reasons why you feel that way (this is called post-hoc rationalization), and, being a woman, you come up with plenty of them. Suddenly your mind is flooded with rational fears: pregnancy, STD’s, heartbreak, reputational ruin, getting used/discarded…
Now you have a whole litany of reasons to say “no,” but you’ve already said “yes,” and so you feel that you CAN’T say “no.” And this “Not-Okay No Effect” makes you WANT to say “no” all the more.
What went wrong? Pressure is fine when applied masterfully, but hitting someone over the head with your expectations threatens their self determinism. And humans protect their sense that they are making their own decisions fervently.
Okay, now imagine you’re a man. Once you get NONE, as described above, one of two things will happen:
1. She will actually say “no.” You will feel confused, and possibly angry or hurt. You may think your sexual skills have been called into question, or you may think that she is crazy, or a cocktease, or both. Neither of you will get the sex you wanted, and you will probably end up with blue balls.
2. She will continue with the encounter despite the fact that she wants to say “no,” and immediately regret having done it. She may feel resentful of the pressure you put on her. She may feel ashamed. In any case, she won’t feel good and she will associate that icky feeling with you, and therefore will most likely not want to see you again. This is where the “buyer’s remorse” that most PUAs talk about comes from.
This applies to non-sexual circumstances as well. The simple act of a sales person mentioning to a client, “You already agreed to purchase something from me today, right?” will guarantee the salesperson will get no sale, or at best a minimal purchase and no repeat business.
Look, I am not taking the responsibility of saying “no” away from anyone; that’s the realm of ethics. Rather, I am explaining a truth of the universe: the moment one person expresses an expectation (verbally or otherwise) that the other person must say “yes,” the other person will want to say “no.”
So how can you avoid getting NONE? You can contact us and we can explain it all in great detail, but the short answer is to continue the same energy that got you there in the first place. Pull away, tease, and give space for her desire to grow, all the while moving steadily toward your goal with the expectation that what you are offering, she wants.
Don’t expect her to agree, expect her to want to agree.