The “Not-Okay No Effect” – The real reason for last minute resistance to sex

The PUA (Pick Up Artist) community is rife with nonsense reasons why women occasionally put up resistance just before sex is about to happen.  Rationalizations that are true a minority of the time, like, “they need to seem as though they put up resistance or they will be seen as a slut.”  Or Mystery’s idea that “It is a biological response to the high stakes of having sex.”  He’s actually right that it is about stakes, but not right about it being a biological response.

A lot of PUAs have imagined reasons that are so irrational that men can feel justified in simply squashing them in order to get to sex.  And ironically, this railroading of women’s objections only serves to exacerbate the problem.  In fact, no one in the PUA community has ever given the real reason why “LMR(Last-Minute Resistance) occurs.

Well, here it is, the true underlying reason:  A phenomenon we at The Attractive Arts call the “Not-Okay No Effect” or NONE.  The secret behind it can be summed up simply: She won’t say “yes” if you can’t embrace “no.”

There is no yes, without embracing no.

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re a woman.  You’ve just finished a nice dinner, and your date reaches for the check while casting you a seductive glance.  At that moment you start feeling: He is buying, and he just made it sexual.  Can I say “no” now?  I do find him attractive, but I want it to be my choice.  And then you start thinking, “I have a rule, no sex on the first date.  Besides, I have to get up early, and…”  He thought he was being very subtle and sly with that sexy smile, but now your internal struggle with the question of whether or not to “put out” has taken you completely out of the moment and drawn you up into your head.

After dinner, your date changes the venue and makes you forget all of your concerns with some dancing.  The dancing gets mighty steamy, with plenty of groping and even some kissing.  Then it’s back to his place for a drink.  You start wondering about what his place will look like, and think about how nice–and what a good kisser!–he is.  You are a little concerned about your safety, but you’ve been watching him and he seems like an upstanding guy, so you feel OK about it.  But as soon as you walk in, he decides to make a dramatic display of passion.  He grabs you and pins you against the wall, kissing you and groping your lady bits with an urgency that wasn’t there before.

You have been enjoying the slow, sensual dance of desire, when suddenly you are flying down foreplay highway, heading full speed toward Intercourse because the same guy who was so playful and casual earlier has become a jackhammer locomotive of sexual desire.  You’ve already said “yes” with your behavior thus far, and maybe even with your words.  But suddenly the pressure he is putting on you, probably without even realizing it, makes you feel afraid because you don’t have time to process the passion that is now being demanded of you.  Your self determinism is threatened because you must make an immediate decision or it will be made for you by default.

However, you don’t know why you feel afraid, so you start to look for reasons why you feel that way (this is called post-hoc rationalization), and, being a woman, you come up with plenty of them.  Suddenly your mind is flooded with rational fears: pregnancy, STD’s, heartbreak, reputational ruin, getting used/discarded…

Now you have a whole litany of reasons to say “no,” but you’ve already said “yes,” and so you feel that you CAN’T say “no.” And this “Not-Okay No Effect” makes you WANT to say “no” all the more.

What went wrong?  Pressure is fine when applied masterfully, but hitting someone over the head with your expectations threatens their self determinism.  And humans protect their sense that they are making their own decisions fervently.

Okay, now imagine you’re a man.  Once you get NONE, as described above, one of two things will happen:

1. She will actually say “no.”  You will feel confused, and possibly angry or hurt.  You may think your sexual skills have been called into question, or you may think that she is crazy, or a cocktease, or both.  Neither of you will get the sex you wanted, and you will probably end up with blue balls.

2. She will continue with the encounter despite the fact that she wants to say “no,” and immediately regret having done it.  She may feel resentful of the pressure you put on her.  She may feel ashamed.  In any case, she won’t feel good and she will associate that icky feeling with you, and therefore will most likely not want to see you again.  This is where the “buyer’s remorse” that most PUAs talk about comes from.

This applies to non-sexual circumstances as well.  The simple act of a sales person mentioning to a client, “You already agreed to purchase something from me today, right?” will guarantee the salesperson will get no sale, or at best a minimal purchase and no repeat business.

Look, I am not taking the responsibility of saying “no” away from anyone; that’s the realm of ethics.  Rather, I am explaining a truth of the universe: the moment one person expresses an expectation (verbally or otherwise) that the other person must say “yes,” the other person will want to say “no.”

So how can you avoid getting NONE?  You can contact us and we can explain it all in great detail, but the short answer is to continue the same energy that got you there in the first place.  Pull away, tease, and give space for her desire to grow, all the while moving steadily toward your goal with the expectation that what you are offering, she wants.

Don’t expect her to agree, expect her to want to agree.

19 Responses to The “Not-Okay No Effect” – The real reason for last minute resistance to sex

  • Barry says:

    Interesting article.

    When dating turns to mating, there is definitely a dance involved. That dance must constitute to include both people feeling free to escalate and reciprocate at each stage.

    Guys cannot get too attached to their hoped-for outcome of having sex. In fact, if that’s your ONLY hoped for outcome of a date I’d already say there’s an issue. Appreciating one another, and the slow exchange of flirting, getting to know one another and a playful energy are what gets guys a second date.

    Let go of the destination (sex) and enjoy the trip (flirting, attraction) more and it will take the urgency out of ‘putting the moves’ on her. Trying to hard to get a woman in bed makes you reek of the worst cologne in the world: “Desperation”.

  • Donn Christianson says:

    Maybe the reason she is putting up resistance is that she doesn’t want to?

    Well put.

  • Ben says:

    Very nice.

    I always try (emphasis on ‘try’) to go into any romantic situation with sex being the very last of my goals. If it happens, it is a great bonus, that’s all. Takes the pressure off everyone.

    But there is a flip side of this coin. I’ve had more than one occasion where the woman has said no, and I have been quite ok with it, but when she gained her comfort level from the respect given to her ‘no’ and changed her answer to ‘yes’ later in the evening, I was no longer interested. Usually because it was too late and I have to get up early.

    This was usually devastating to the individual, and in one case caused them to actually become enraged.

    Is there a double standard in that men are not allowed to say no to sex?

    • Ava says:

      Um, are you sure it was actually “devastating” for these ladies? If so, I suspect you handled the rejection exceedingly poorly. And how did you handle things the next day? Did you call?

      Probably these women saw your initial casual acceptance of their no as a clever ploy to get them to say yes later on. When they realized it wasn’t, they either began to question their desirability (the despondent response), or they began to think you invited them over so you could reject them, thereby inflating your own ego, and/or manipulating them into wanting you more (the enraged response). Either way, they went home feeling unsatisfied and wanting resolution.

      Now, fast forward to the following day. If you offer resolution in the form of another date, chances are she will jump at it. If you don’t, she will stew in her emotions to the point of bitterness and will be too afraid of getting hurt again to want anything to do with you.

      • Ben says:

        Of course I handled it poorly! This is me we’re talking about! Actually I handled it very graciously, which is the problem. Like you say, instead of seeing that I am simply being gracious and exhibiting self control they view it as a ploy, or as a lack of interest. If I had handled it poorly and pressured them they would have been more assured of their own attractiveness and my genuine interest because that is the way men are supposed to act, anything else is suspicious.

    • Rake says:

      It’s hard to call it a double “standard,” more like an expectation.

      Part of the issue is that men are considered goal oriented. And women experience oriented. But the assumption of those paradigms have caused many a good opportunity to be dashed.

      There are so many things that could have been happening in your particular situation Ben, she could have been playing hard to get or she could have been testing you and in either case her reaction could have been one of simple regret.

      But there may have also been a sense of entitlement, or maybe a sense of self worth. As if the act of a guy turning down a girl says something about her worth, and if so, what does that say about what she finds important about herself.

      It says that she grew up in a society where she felt she had to compete with her hands tied behind her back.

      Most women in our age range were still brought up to be quiet, not make guys look bad, to focus a lot of attention on their looks and for God’s sake be careful enjoying sex too much or you will be a slut. Oh, also, make sure that other girls don’t make you look bad by comparison, it’s a competition after all. You have to be the best prize so men can chase after you.

      So to have all this bullshit piled on you and have to work out how to get a guys interest while meeting all those fucking prerequisites, I’d be a little pissed off too if one little thing got in the way.

      All that being said, women are still responsible for their own lives, and so yes, guys are allowed to say “no” to sex. But it is not emotionally the same for the refused.

      • Ben says:

        I think I should have been born a chick. I’m the one who plays hard to get.

        I guess for me, when someone plays hard to get and puts all the hoops out there for you to jump through I lose interest. Nobody is that awesome. It’s different if you are having a game of it and are both enjoying the push and pull of the chase, but when it’s clear I’ve been put in the “usurper of the box” box I’ll just shut it off. It’s dehumanizing, and destroys whatever connections was developing. I want to have sex with someone because I like them, not because I’ve successfully navigated a mine field and breached the wall.

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  • Nunya says:

    “But there may have also been a sense of entitlement . . .”

    This is absolutely the case with the overwhelming majority of women I’ve known, encountered, and have turned down for sex. I’ve never been a pursuer and have always gone through life with the attitude of putting sex down into the tiertiary or quaternary priority, and guess what? It got me laid, and still does, far beyond my objective level of male attractiveness (but I am attractive and very confident, nonetheless).

    And like Ben pointed out, there has been emotional upset and even rage in being rejected. Society has taught most women that men should jump when the offer is made and jump through hoops to get the offer in the first place. When you don’t do that, it throws off their paradigm and causes cognitive dissonance. It takes the power away and they want what they apparently, inexplicably, and unexpectedly cannot have.

    Now, lest anyone think that this is just my biased viewpoint backed up by nothing more than my own thoughts, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I have almost no male friends who aren’t gay, even though I am quite straight. Even further, 9 out of 10 of my friends are female and most of them are rather attractive. Beyond that, I’m the guy they come to when they want a “male perspective” on something, and I’ve had the majority of them confirm exactly what I’ve observed on my own and what Ben relates.

    So, there most certainly is a double standard in the saying “no” game, and a strong sense of entitlement in probably 90 % of women, especially attractive ones, because of what society has taught them to expect.

  • Bobie says:

    Here’s a key part… he goes to pay for the check. You (metaphorical you) let him. You set him on the path to have that power over you. You probably let him pay the cover at the club, if there was one. You probably let him buy you drinks at that club. Why didn’t you stand up for equality then? How about keeping your leverage throughout the date, and not just when it comes time to get dirty?

    I’m not saying if you let him buy you dinner, drinks, or a cover to a club, that you must sleep with him. I’m saying there’s a way to maintain equality, and that involves keeping it equal throughout the date, not just when it seems like it’s unfair to you.

  • Sagredo says:

    Pull away, tease, and give space for her desire to grow, all the while moving steadily toward your goal with the expectation that what you are offering, she wants.

    This is all very sensible, but really the standard PUA “LMR” advice very much plays into this psychology. We are told that when a woman expresses resistance, immediately agree and amplify. Do not at all act bitter, entitled or disappointed, but instead act like you share her reluctance, and simply switch off all sexy seductive behaviour. Then wait for her to start initiating again (if she does).

    “I’m not sure I want to do this…”

    “You’re right, we only just met.” (gets off the bed) “Can I give you a ride home?”

    • Rake says:

      That is standard LMR advice. And it’s not wrong in that case.

      LMR advice has a lot of baggage for some people and this would not be to replace good LMR advice, it would be a subset of it.

  • chaika zzilla says:

    “tease, give space for her desire to grow”

    YES!

  • Erica says:

    Speaking from experience: if I get even a hint of the sense that a guy can’t deal with a “no”, I’m OUT. I don’t care about your stupid blue balls, you do not ever have the right to my body. So many guys who seem nice at first eventually get to feel “entitled” to me at some point. Let me tell you, gentlemen. That is a shitty feeling for any woman. Never expect sex like it’s your due course.

    How the fuck do you expect a woman to want to sleep with you if you’re manipulating/forcing/guilting her into it? You guys are the exact kinds of skeezes I would never want to date or have sex with.

  • Rake- Fuck you!

    As if your reasons for LMR is golden. You’re just another 1 of those rejects who bash the community from the outside.

    You’re welcome in though. Although you talk a lot of shit,you’re welcome to learning Game.

    • dave says:

      Agreed. As soon as he said that lmr is NOT a biological response, he lost all credibility. An evolutionary/biological point of view can explain perfectly why lmr exists. The girl needs a guy to impregnate her who will stick around and provide. So she is emotionally calibrated to “feel right” with only having sex with a guy that she has established an emotional connection with. The deeper the connection (comfort zone) the less guilty she feels = higher chance male will provide. Interestingly, this also explains why, in my experience, girls with boyfriends are by far easier to have sex with, due to them already having a provider. Oh well, he might as well claim evolution is wrong while he’s at it haha

      • Rake says:

        I suppose you also believe what Mystery said about approach anxiety being related to long ago left over fears of being killed by the alpha male in the caveman days.
        _
        It’s not actually a lack of scientific knowledge that makes me say what I’m saying, it’s a rejection of pseudoscience like that and what you just wrote.
        _
        I used to be an evopsych devotee until I learned just how much completely made up hogwash there is in it.
        _
        Science exists with it’s incredibly rigorous and exacting methodologies for a very good reason. To avoid the cognitive biases that you and I aren’t even aware that we have.
        _
        Take SocialKenny for example. He probably doesn’t know that he is suffering from some sort of Dunning–Kruger effect.
        _
        You on the other hand just aren’t reading any actual science.
        _
        See, it’s not that evopsych is totally wrong. It’s that it can’t be called totally right but since polarized thinking is the most common form of cognitive bias trying to help someone differentiate what is and isn’t good science in it is basically impossible.
        _
        As to bashing PUAs, I am most certainly not. I am trying to save them from their own PR nightmare and the slow dwindling into oblivion that they are currently suffering from. See, some PUAs are fucking misogynists, not because they have a reason to hate women but because when you gamify attraction you create an us vs them model that glorifies misogyny. If you want to study some science on this, study symbolic convergence theory.
        _
        In the mean time, take Jeff Allen, he’s basically a knuckle dragging troglodyte.
        _
        Mystery on the other hand is a scholar turned rogue, I love the guy. He genuinely loves women and even though he came up with the caveman evopsych nonsense mentioned about; what he teaches to people both works and can be applied ethically. He has also influence the PUA community more than an any other PUA and he now sets an example of reformed ethics in Pick Up that people can be proud of.
        _
        Vince Kelvin, also ethical and a great natural presence teaching game on a level most can’t grasp but anyone who can will have their lives changed. He might be my favorite.
        _
        So there are lots of great PUAs out there, I am just trying to add a dynamic to it that I think is needed and fits my particular gifts. And my passion is for it to be a real way for people to stop being strangers, make friends, get jobs and everyone to get laid without regrets in the morning. I am trying to do my part by applying actual science, avoiding unnecessary polarizing of women and creating a philosophical framework to attraction technology that is divorced from flashy propaganda.
        _
        Sound OK to you?

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