The Logic of Friendzoning

A contradiction in terms? Perhaps.

I just read this brilliant bit of sketch comedy from the Crunk Feminist Collective, describing what would happen if said logic were applied to other situations.

It’s got me thinking about how this same logic might apply in other situations. Hollywood, for example.


Unpaid Intern: Okay seriously, what gives? I’ve been getting your coffee for the better part of a year, and you still haven’t put me on the show!

Producer: Right. Because you’ve never auditioned. Are you even an actor?

Unpaid Intern: OF COURSE I’M AN ACTOR!! Why else would I be doing this crap for free??

Producer: Because you respect my work and want to be a part of the process?

Unpaid Intern: Yeah, right, like anybody would do that.

Producer: Actually, we have several unpaid interns on staff who are pretty happy just to be getting the experience.

Unpaid Intern: Whatever. Look, you HAVE to put me on the show! I have been so LOYAL and HARDWORKING!

Producer: Well, that may well be true, but what we really need on the show are people who sparkle with life and personality and really grab the audience and make them fall in love at first sight. People who are stunningly attractive and naturally funny and have great chemistry with the audience.

Unpaid Intern: So what are you saying, that I’m ugly and charmless?

Producer: What? No! I’m saying that only a few really exceptionally attractive and charming people make it onto the show after a pretty rigorous audition process.

Unpaid Intern: Whatever, I’ve seen some of the bozos you put on there. Obviously if that’s what your screening process turns up, then you need a new process!

Producer: Well that’s… insulting.

Unpaid Intern: Oh, you wanna talk about insulting?? I get your coffee every morning, just the way you like it, and you’ve never even offered to get MY coffee. Not even ONCE. You’ve never even asked me how I like my coffee, or even if I drink coffee! You are SO SELFISH!

Producer: This would probably be a good time to leave my office.

Unpaid Intern: No, fuck that! I’ve been here for a year, slaving away with no pay, I’m not leaving with nothing to show for it! At least give me a walk-on. You owe me that much.

Producer: No.

Unpaid Intern: Background extra?

Producer: No.

*awkward pause*

Unpaid Intern: So my friends were right! You’ve just been taking advantage of me this whole time! Wow. Nice guys really do finish last. Maybe I should just walk on the set right now, huh? Just walk right into the shot. NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY! I’M JUST GONNA TAKE IT LIKE I WANT IT!

Producer: Security!


Who’s got another one?



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