Hey bro, I know why you’re not getting laid

Note: In response to literally hundreds of posts from people who don’t understand I must now issue the following disclaimer…
(Thank you to the hundreds of people who do get it.):
This post is satire and rhetoric meant to illustrate a point.  It is also directed at a particular audience, a bro-culture “guy” who does support a rape culture by action or inaction. That list is actually most guys whether they know it or not. It does not mean, however, that the guy I am referring to on this thread is you.
It also does not mean that most guys support rape itself or are rapists, if you think that, look up the word “culture.”
(Note: I actually care about facts, so if something below doesn’t seem right just prove it and I’ll change it.  That said, read the fucking article anyhow, don’t be a dick.)

How tolerating the rape culture is keeping your dick dry
by Cydian

This post is addressed to the dudes in the crowd. All you ladies might want to leave the room, because I’m going to try my best to talk to these guys just like I see them talk to each other in the movies.

OK dude, have all the ladies left?

Good. *Ahem*

You are a fucking moron.

No shit, you are actually making things harder on yourself and every other guy out there who is trying to get laid.

Yeah, YOU!

Every time you are a misogynist, an angel closes her legs.

Every time you think to yourself that the careful etiquette that women (and men) are trying to create in order to combat the rape culture is just a bunch of feminist nonsense, women everywhere are that much less inclined to go out, and that much less likely to wear something sexy when they do.

Every time you fail to make eye contact with a woman you are sexing up, every time you fail to notice that a woman isn’t having such a great time, every time you fail to speak up when you see a woman looking uncomfortable with another dude, somewhere a woman decides that she just isn’t that into sex.

Every time you whistle at a woman walking down the street, or grab ass on someone without getting permission from her lips (or *at least* from her eyes), every time you speak to a woman like she owes you sex, or take the easy way and make a really bad rape joke at the expense of your audience member (Yes, Tosh, I’m looking at you), and every time you stand by and watch that shit happen, or even defend the douchebag who did it, somewhere else a woman says no to a man, gets an unexplained headache, or asks to be taken home early.

Eventually, that man will be you. And you will believe that her rejection of you is unjust, and you will probably think, or even say, unkind things about her to your friends, or even to her face.

But YOU, you fucking moron, YOU are doing this to yourself.

And I can already see you thinking to yourself all manner of absolute childish tripe and justification after sophomoric justification about how this is “just how women are”:

  • • They are aloof, they are cold, they are callous, they enjoy breaking men down and making them beg.
  • • OR: They are just being drama queens; the 1 in 4 rape statistic is exaggerated, it’s really 1 in 14.  As if it matters which terrifying statistic is true.  Like semantics is going to somehow make it all OK.
  • • OR: They are confused, they don’t know what they want, they need a big strong man to make the decision for them.
  • • OR: They just don’t like sex as much as men do, so you have to trick them into it or you’ll never get laid.
  • • OR: All they had to do was not walk in that part of town, not wear that outfit, not be such a tease, count to ten and spin around three times.
  • • OR: They all want sex but are ashamed to admit it, so they need you to convince/coerce/cajole them into it so they can be relieved of the responsibility of wanting it. See? You were really raping those ladies for their own good. What a generous guy.

Even if any of the above is true, you can’t do something about other people can you?  But we CAN do something about ourselves, and we are lucky enough to be the gender that everyone seems to look to to make the first move.

So, I am going to do you a favor right now.

Now this is only a favor if you can be man enough to shut the fuck up, sit down and read this as if you cared to understand what it is really like for a woman.

Men, you overpower women by sheer muscle mass, your general weight is 60 lbs heavier by average, and as a combat specialist for 10 years I can tell you the honest truth about fighting: weight is almost everything.

Women walk around scared. Every. Fucking. Day.  Now I am aware that you all walk around a bit scared too because, whether you admit it or not, you are scared of being rejected or humiliated, since you are EXPECTED to be the one to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable.  But women–the lucky bitches–women get approached all the time! Right?

Women get approached because they are viewed as targets!

As in: men like to hunt them.  Usually the hunt ends in a conversation and a nice time, but sometimes it ends in blood.  Lip blood, vaginal blood, sometimes dead cold drying blood.

Yes, that is what it’s like for a woman.  Walking around terrified all the time that a man might just arbitrarily decide to hurt you, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Women LONG for a man, partially for protection, but EVERY man is a threat until proven otherwise, and all they have for weapons is their social intelligence, a rape whistle, and a hope.

Now, why the fuck should you care?

Man, even if you are the most shallow guy in the world who just wants a pussy, ass or mouth to wet your dick in, you should care. Because the rape culture is making women afraid of you, and of sex in general.

Imagine a world where the CULTURE dictates that men who see any sort of misogyny should put a stop to it right away.

Where any man who sees some sort of excessive force takes action with equal force to put an end to it.  Where fucking cops don’t spend their efforts convincing women it’s not worth fighting for justice.

Where the reaction from friends and family is not accusation and disparagement (“Are you SURE that’s what happened? You’re not just overreacting/dramatizing/mis-remembering? This is a man’s life we’re talking about here!).

Where a woman’s character is not pilloried because she was unlucky enough to be victimized. (“She was wearing a MINI SKIRT.” “She had been DRINKING.” “She flirted with him in front of everyone!” “She slept with half the neighborhood, why should we believe that lying slut?”)

In that world?  IN THAT FUCKING WORLD?!

In a world where those who have the most power actually exercise it by–at the VERY LEAST–refusing to stay silent when they hear some dude telling a woman she is a bitch for not sleeping with him. All it takes is four simple words:

“That’s not cool man.”

In THAT world, you would get laid all the time.


Because women LOVE SEX.

They actually love it more than you do. They want men (or women) to fuck them.  A lot.  And IN THAT WORLD, many of them would not even be all that picky about a quickie.

And even though most of you reading this are not rapists and most have not even accidentally misunderstood a signal and gone too far; it’s not your actions I am talking about here.  It is your inactions that are REALLY fucking things up.

So why make a change?

1) Do it for the children.
Some reports show as high as 70% of all rapes are by an immediate family member.  By making rape not OK anywhere, you give more options to those who wish to report abuse by their own family.

2) Do it for your fellow men who are raped
Yeah, even men are raped and a culture where people look the other way allows that to happen to anyone.

3) Do it for your mom
If 25% of women have been sexually assaulted in some way, then there is a decent chance that your own mom has been raped, Dude. Your own mom. But let’s say you hate your mom. What about your little sister? Or your second-grade teacher? Or your best female friend from elementary school. Chances are, some woman who has made a positive impact on your life has been or will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Chew on that for a while.

4) Do it for your self-respect
You know what is right.  Just because you’ve spent a lifetime kowtowing to whatever Alpha attitude happens to be running the table at the moment, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. Want to sleep better than you ever have? Want more genuine self-confidence? Put a stop to an injustice and stand up for your convictions.

5) Do it for your penis
Have you been paying attention? Not only will changing the culture make women more likely to spread their thighs for you, changing your attitude will do the same. That’s right, being RESPECTED is a serious turn-on, and integrity is fucking hot.

So the next time I see even one of you assholes make another disparaging comment about women, or respond to “I was raped” with “What were you wearing/doing/drinking/WHATEVER?”, or fail to stop some creep from making a woman uncomfortable, expect me to step in and stop YOU.

Because honestly, Asshole: you’re fucking it up for me.

Be like these guys instead:


Yeah, that’s right, the fact is that plenty of men reading this are already doing their best. And we really need you in order to stop the real evil predators out there.

And some of you could do more.  I find more that I can do all the time.  Even just in writing this I’ve learned a few more things I can do.  But I, alone, making a change will make no difference if you go out tonight and let your friend tell another dumb blonde joke, or brag that he hooked up with some chick who was so wasted she passed out halfway through.

The culture is shifting.  Be ahead of the curve. Re-read the 5 points listed above, go out tonight and put a stop to it.

Like a man.



Please note: you are free to share, distribute or re-post this at will so long as you name the author and link to this post.

20 Responses to Hey bro, I know why you’re not getting laid

  • Donn Christianson says:

    Nail. Head. BANG.

    That was spot on. My compliments!

  • Megan says:

    I know I’m not a dude, but a friend had posted your blog on his page and it intreged me. I know women, men and children that have been raped. This is so true the more we as a culture men and women don’t put up with unappropriate behavior the less power predators have. Being a women I can tell you myself the more comfortable I am the more chance you have of being layed! End of story. So be a man (stand up and say someting when it needs to be said) and us women will continue being sex loving women.

    Thank you for your views much appreciated 🙂

    • Stefania says:

      You need to read more carefully. The sttsiatics are that a 1/3 of women are raped, assaulted, or harassed. It was stupid of them to include sexual harassment in that category, because, sure it sucks to be propositioned or cat-called or whatever, but it’s not exactly the same thing as RAPE. If you join the Army, you will at some point face some unwelcome and off color offers from some men. That’s a given. You tell them to stop, and 95% of the time, they’ll back off. If they don’t, you report them and the problem stops then.Rape and assault are not that common. It does happen, but no more than happens in college dorms. And like in most places, it’s usually date rape. You take normal precautions lock your room at night, watch out for your girlfriends and your girlfriends’ drinks when you out partying, make your limits clear to anybody you date, be careful with alcohol. If you are raped or assaulted, you can report it anonymously or officially. It is not swept under the rug. The alleged offender will be investigated. If found guilty, he will be discharged from the military with no benefits, and likely serve some time on the way out. I know of two women who were raped when I was in the Army. In both cases, it was the boyfriend. And I’m pretty sure there was alcohol involved but I don’t know that for a fact. Keep in mind that the male Veterans here won’t know of as many rape cases because it’s not something women tend to share with men they know.

  • Christina D. says:

    Right. Fucking. On. #knucks

  • Brilliant.

    • Ryotaro says:

      I’ve only been in the Navy for 5 years and I’ve never known anybody to get raped. What I have seen thgouh is women sleeping around and then dropping the rape card because in the morning the guy did something to piss her off. I saw that twice in school only, to the same girl, and both times it was dropped in court (btw she did it to two different guys. As far as being treated on the job, generally there isn’t straight forward sexual harassment, but you are outnumbered 10 to 1 so some discussions sailors get into can become vulgar, and you will probably overhear it at times. Usually thgouh, the women onboard are generally treated like one of the guys. Hope this helps.

  • Shannon says:

    well said. you certainly give me a little more faith in men.

  • I shared this on Facebook this because I love having sex with women who love having sex (even if there is only Emily W. Webb now). I want a world where women are able to be sexy without being victimized, because my life with regular sexy moments is much much better. I love that this empowers MEN to help women address the issues, by making it totally obvious how it hurts us to turn a blind eye.

    And since posting it I received a few messages about this link and I wanted to share something I said in one of those. Irregardless of whatever may or may not exist in anyone’s opinion I know that when women feel safe, they are more sexual. Many women don’t feel safe, even my fiancee who’s a martial arts instructor in Krav Maga and could probably maim a person in a heart beat, doesn’t feel safe on a regular basis.
    When you take a woman who hasn’t felt completely safe day to day and put her in a community where there is safety and respect for everyone (recently Lost Valley Blues Recess), she turns into a different person, loosens up, gets sexier, and is an amazing person to be a man around.
    That’s what I want for her, and for all others. So that 30 loving people can go swimming nude in a river and enjoy drying and conversing in the sun. So that beautiful women can be gloriously feminine if they choose and not be condemned for “bringing it on.”

  • Chris says:

    Very powerful. Thank you.

  • Pingback: Great Post by Friend about how Rape Culture affects us | Jameson Triplett

  • A says:

    This article is great…but…I recommend taking Hugo Schwyzer off your list of good men fighting rape culture. On the surface, he seems like he is, but there have been multiple controversies about him in the last year that show he is using that as a front to continue to harm women who trust him. There is a list of things he’s done floating around tumblr and you can find the controversy with a quick google search.

    Besides that, great job with the article.

    • Rake says:

      I would if I could find a crime or anti-feminist action or stance from the last 10 years.

      I have looked.

      Please write me at rake@theattractivearts.com if you have any such info.

    • Messi says:

      I spent 20 years in the Air Force and didn’t know of anyone who was raped. One woman I knew was mrederud but that can happen anywhere. So can rape. Most sex going on was consentual and the only harassment was some unwanted attention which was easy to brush off. Don’t invite it and it won’t happen.

      • Cheshire Katz says:

        “Didn’t know of” anyone who was raped while you were in the Air Force? “Most sex going on was consentual [sic]?” These two sentences contradict one another. If only “most” sex (as opposed to all sex) that occurred was consensual, that means at least some sex was occurring that was non-consensual. So here’s the news flash: Any of that non-consensual sex to which you allude is defined as rape.
        And Messi, it seems that you believe that if you personally didn’t know of any rapes, then rape didn’t exist. in your milieu. Was there a reporting requirement in your AF Wing stipulating that everyone who had sex must file a public notice characterizing each of their liaisons as consensual or non-consensual? If not, where do you come by your comprehensive and intimate knowledge of others’ private lives? Just because you didn’t hear of it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. There are plenty of disincentives for rape victims to report, confide, or otherwise make known an incident of rape. Looming large among them is the fear that others will pass disparaging judgment on one’s virtue and/or mental toughness, and will make comments such as yours. It can take decades before a victim finds the courage to speak out (the clergy sex abuse scandal in the US Catholic church is but one example). “Don’t invite it and it won’t happen”? Care to explain to me how the over-70-years-old victim of a rape and assault during an invasion and robbery of her own home was “inviting it”? And if in your judgment the little old lady did not invite rape as she lay asleep in her own bedroom in her locked house, am I to conclude from your “It only happens to those who invite it” mantra that her rape didn’t happen? It’s a shame that it would likely need to be your grandmother, mother, sister or daughter tied up with electrical wire to the fridge door handle — or your young son brutalized by a trusted coach or minister — before you’d concede that rape happens to people who are neither dressed provocatively nor flirting. I hope you continue to be fortunate enough not to have any up-close and personal experience with rape and assault. But until you have had some contact and experience with someone who has been sexually approached and violated without his or her permission, maybe you shouldn’t be quite so glib about claiming to understand how and when it occurs. Best of luck to you, Messi.

  • Really funny and well written – thank you! Thanks also for linking to NOMAS!

  • mittens says:

    As long as men look at me sexually (have thoughts about me), I will never trust them. I find the concept disturbing and prefer being alone, honestly. But that’s just my personal choice.

  • John says:

    I 99% agree with this post. And I know what I’m about to say is going to ruffle feathers. But here we go.

    Women also need to take some responsibility. Case in point. I dated a woman for a few years. We broke up. She told anyone who would listen I had “mentally, physically, and emotionally raped” her the entire time we dated. The result was women I was friends with started avoiding me, even yelling at me to stay away from them. My man friends pulled me aside and told me it wasn’t cool that I had done that and if I did that to anyone they cared about, they’d kill me. The thing is, it was a complete and total lie! For years I was the person who rolled his eyes when I heard about a woman say she was raped. Or almost raped.

    Now I have calmed down about it and rape is never, never, never okay. But ladies, don’t go around accusing men of rape when they haven’t touched you. All you’re doing is making the lives of women are raped harder.

  • Pingback: Sexual Harassment: What is the best way for a man to react when his female companion is sexually harassed? - Quora

  • Matt fern dale says:

    Why is this guy such a dumb cunt? Somebody rape him…

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