One of the most controversial areas of attraction coaching is “LMR” technique, or how to overcome “Last Minute Resistance” to sex. And for good reason: while the language and ideology surrounding it are incredibly problematic and, well, “rape-y,” many of the techniques themselves are not only effective in creating a positive sexual experience for BOTH partners, they are actually powerful rape-prevention tactics. That’s right: if done correctly, the right LMR techniques make rape a virtual impossibility.
But first, let’s unpack what’s problematic about LMR. And there’s plenty…
The basic premise of LMR technique is this: you’re making out with a girl. It’s all going swell. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she starts putting up resistance to the idea of actually having sex. LMR theory teaches you that 1. her resistance is triggered by an archaic biological response, and 2. it’s your job to help her overcome that knee-jerk response so y’all can get your sexy on.
Let’s start with #1: the notion that her resistance is hard-wired into her female “biology.” The way that LMR has been explained by the attraction community up to now is perfectly exemplified in this classic anti-LMR ad from PUA Gareth Jones:
(LMR) is the biology of women kick starting their last-ditch attempts at ASD (Anti-Slut Defense).
This is to say that instincts tell a girl that she’s not ready to have sex yet (after such a short period of time) because of all the hazards it presents to her mind and body:
3. Social Repercussions (ie being called a slut)
Rake has already written a brilliant article on slut shaming and what can you do to help women be more comfortable being sexually proactive and render the so-called “Anti-Slut Defense” obsolete, so I’ll skip right over that hot rhetorical mess.
Now then, let’s first acknowledge that this list of “hazards… to her mind and body” is A. entirely rational, and B. incomplete. Women are also at higher risk when it comes to sexually transmitted infections, sexual violence, stalking, abduction, etc., etc., etc. Indeed, Jones refers to these fears as “logical,” even as he describes LMR technique as “methods to get around that obsolete biological response.” So wait, the response is “biological,” (which in this context means hard-wired as opposed to thought-based), but the fears triggered by that response are logical? Mmmmkay.
Look, the reality is that a woman undertakes very real risks every time she has sex, particularly with a new partner. Even if your intentions are as pure as freshly-fallen snow (and let’s be honest, if you’re learning LMR technique they’re probably more like 3-day old snow piled up on the side of the road), even if you take all possible precautions, the risks to her are only reduced, not eliminated. To dismiss her entirely legit concerns as an “obsolete biological response” is pure sexist bullshit.
“But,” I can hear some of you thinking from across the internetz, “what about irrational fears? Shouldn’t I help her overcome those?”
The truth is that there are are myriad reasons why a woman (or a man, for that matter) might suddenly start feeling and/or acting resistant to the idea of having sex, even after feeling/acting 100% on-board right up to that moment. There are as many reasons for resisting sex as there are reasons for desiring it. And the reason a woman gives for not wanting to have sex may or may not be the actual reason. She may not even be aware of the reason. But that doesn’t make it any less real or compelling for her.
And hey, some of those reasons may be for your benefit as much as for hers. Maybe she has an STI and is too embarrassed to tell you about it. Maybe she’s on her period and she doesn’t want her first time with you to look like a crime scene. Maybe she’s married and trying to keep her husband from coming after you with a gun. Maybe she’s just not that into you and trying to save you both some heartbreak. Maybe she’s far too into you and knows that once she seals the deal, she will never be able to let go, and is trying to save you from having to file a restraining order down the line. Maybe she’s a succubus. You just. don’t. know.
Which brings us to #2. The idea that resistance to sex is an obstacle to be overcome, and that your job as a man is to rise to the challenge and talk her out of it, is kinda rapey. It’s based on two flawed premises: 1. your job as a man is to get sex from a woman (whose job it is to protect herself from the consequences of sex), and 2. any sex, even grudging, one-sided sex, is better than no sex.
Come on, guys! You’re better than that. You don’t need sex. Sure, sex is fun, but so are plenty of other things you could be doing together. So resistance to sex shouldn’t bother you any more than, say, resistance to going out to see a particular movie. Okay, so she’s not in the mood to watch Die Hard 7 right now. *shrug* Let’s see what else is showing.
Here’s what it all comes down to:
The art of attraction is exactly that: it’s about inspiring attraction toward a particular person at a particular time. Because here’s something else that might blow your mind:
That said, you may need to inspire a woman to want to have sex with you, at this particular time and in this particular circumstance.
And how do you do that?
Here’s where the actual LMR technology comes in. And it turns out that a lot of it, despite being couched in the rhetorical awfulness we’ve just unpacked, is dead-on.
Let’s take a look at Jones’ 3-step approach:
STEP 1: Say NO to sex before she does! You’re in the drivers seat, not her!
[…]Pre-emptive measures are those that we dispense in order to combat even the thought of her needing to reject us.
For instance, if you tell a girl she has to sleep on the couch, or that you have work early in the morning, it will subconsciously register as a sort of rejection. […] In this case, I flat-out told her that I wouldn’t have sex with her because she’d already had too much to drink.
This is simply a more specific form of disqualification. You are disqualifying yourself as someone who is going to push a sexual agenda, thereby taking the pressure off of her to decide whether or not to accept your advances.
“But that’s dishonest!” some of you are probably thinking. And yeah, the specific tactics Jones lists here are kinda dishonest. But you don’t need to lie about your intentions in order for this tactic to work. You just need to change your intentions.
Instead of saying you have to go to work early, or that you think she’s too drunk to fuck, how about just letting her know that sex is not your #1 priority by expressing enthusiasm for something else you would genuinely enjoy doing.
Let’s say you’ve been making out all the way home. The moment you get in the door, she’s expecting the action to escalate. So instead, you say, “Oh hey, there’s this video you absolutely have to see!” or “I’m starving, let’s go make a snack,” or whathaveyou. Anything that takes pressure off and lets her know you’re not dead-set on getting laid tonight.
The more sincere the enthusiasm for the new activity, the more thorough the focus-shift, the more effective this tactic will be.
STEP 2: Show her that you’re NOT horny or desperate and she’ll be all over you!
This is the standard Freeze-Out Technique we’ve all read about in The Game, the purpose of which is to turn her on a bit and stop when she says no, leaving her, essentially, stewing in her own juices. […]
When she said “no“, I stopped, rolled over, and checked my phone.
She asked me, “You’re mad, aren’t you?”
I replied, “No. I’m not mad, I just respect when a woman says no. Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight, anyway.”
Big smile. She starts fooling around again.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
This one is all about attitude. And frankly I would argue that Jones was not quite nailing it if his Person In Question (PIQ) was in any way concerned that he was mad.
The key here is to back the fuck off both physically and emotionally. No pouting. No pressure of any kind. You simply accept, wholly and cheerfully, that sex is not happening right now. And you continue to enjoy her company.
And again, I’m not a fan of the disingenuous, “Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight.” You could just as easily say, “Don’t worry. I just love hanging out with you.” Or kissing you. Or cuddling with you. Or watching bad movies with you. Or whatever you actually enjoy doing with this person other than the horizontal mambo.
If, on the other hand, there is genuinely nothing you enjoy doing with her aside from getting your rocks off, then you need to aim higher, my friend. And you need to let her go find someone who values all that she has to offer.
“But what if she gives me a specific reason she’s putting the breaks on? Isn’t that my cue to offer a counter-point?”
Nope. It’s definitely your cue to listen and let her know she’s been heard, but not to Svengali her out of it. Now, you don’t have to agree with her reasoning, of course, but arguing will get you nowhere. The best way to assuage her fears and reassure her of your good intentions is by simply respecting her boundaries and treating her like someone who knows what the fuck she wants and doesn’t want.
That said, if you have additional data you think will help her make an informed decision, feel free to share it. Just realize that she is under no obligation to change her mind because of it.
“What if she says no, but everything about her body language and behavior runs counter to that no? Should I pay attention to her words or to her actions?”
You should pay attention to both, and you should back the fuck off. Because–and I’m going to say something now that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble: it’s true that women have been known to say “no” and mean “yes.” *Gasp!* But guess what? The solution remains the same: take the pressure off, and she’ll be more willing to say and show you that underlying yes. Keep pushing and that coy, insincere “no” is increasingly likely to turn sincere. Stay playful and insouciant, see her “no” as just another enjoyable aspect of foreplay, and she’ll be far more likely to keep the game going and pushing things forward on her own.
And if she doesn’t? There’s a reason. A reason you don’t need to know, and may not even want to know.
So let it go, man. Just let it go.
To sum up: sexual resistance is not a dragon to be slain. It’s just an emotion. And like any other emotion, the more you fight it, the stronger it becomes. Resisting resistance only makes it more powerful, as Rake explained in his article on The Not-Okay-No Effect. Resistance is foiled only by genuine acceptance. Accept the no. Embrace the no. Only then can the no become a yes.
STEP 3: Always, Always, ALWAYS spend at least 20 minutes to 30 minutes of FOREPLAY on her!
The purpose of this last stage of Anti-LMR is to turn her on so much, that she’s not using her logical mind. All the, “Will I get pregnant?” and “Does this make me a slut?” thoughts are gone and she is only doing what her body tells her is good for her.
In this case, her body will want as much of me as possible, and I’ll tell you why.
After all the thoughts were stirred and all my cards were on the table, I told her I was completely fine just kissing her.
She told me she wouldn’t even take off her shirt and I told her that was totally cool by me, but did that mean all skin showing was fair game?
“Yes,” She said. I then proceed to:
- I kissed her neck and down across her collar bone.
- Over her tank-top strap and down her arm.
- I kissed down her upper-arm and began to nibble at the inside of her elbow.
- She exhaled, heavily. “Okay, I’m turned on.”
- She quickly pulled off her tank-top.
- I had a much larger playing field, but I still had to take it slow.
I’ll spare you the details, but there was a lot of inner-thigh licking and nibbling and blowing cold air over warm, wet spots and suddenly, she was begging for me to get inside of her.
I told her, several times, that, “I’m not going to fuck you because I made a promise to you.”
Pretty soon she was on top of me, grinding her pubic bone against me and peeling off the rest of her clothing.
The more I said “No”, the more she begged.
After I finally knew she wasn’t doing it to prove a point, I let her have it and, four orgasms later, we moved to the other bed in the room (hotel, of course), on account of having destroyed the first one.
Once again, we have some seriously yucky underlying theory here. The idea that you are trying to get her to stop “using her logical mind” suggests that women have no logical reason for wanting sex, only physical/biological urges. The deeply disturbing implication of this is that women A. are irrational creatures whose bodies are working against their best interests, and B. must be tricked into having sex because, logically, they should not even want it.
Thanks, rape culture!
Look, as discussed above, women do have logical reasons to be wary of sex. But they also have plenty of perfectly sound reasons to want sex. Probably the same ones you have. It is as unnecessary as it is unethical to purposefully cultivate a state of mind in which a woman will work against her own best interests to satisfy some mysterious, unspecified biological imperative. It’s also a bunch of pseudo-scientific nonsense.
Instead, try starting from the assumption that she wants sex just as much as you do. That she desires and enjoys sex immensely, and that it therefore IS in her best interests to have sex, provided she desires it right now and with you. Which is where the actual technique described here comes in.
These are pretty standard, time-tested seduction tactics. You simply move more slowly than she’s expecting you to, gratify her physically and emotionally, and express explicit enjoyment of what’s already happening every step of the way. Not only do you never push her to go further, you continually pull back, giving her the opportunity to chase you, to bring you back, to keep that forward momentum going herself. Only then do you know for sure that you have a woman’s genuine, enthusiastic consent.
Once again, though, Jones pushes the reverse-psychology to an unnecessarily dishonest, integrity-eroding point by insisting that he isn’t going to fuck her because he “made a promise” and repeatedly telling her “no.” That kind of charade will break down trust over time and is likely to lead to morning-after regrets. It also perpetuates the idea that it’s okay to disrespect or ignore a person’s sexual resistance, which is exactly what we’re trying to correct here.
Happily, you can achieve the same effect by simply focusing on how much you’re enjoying what’s already happening. Tell her how much you love that little noise she makes when you kiss her neck. Tell her you could spend all night just running your fingertips over her skin. If she tells you she wants you inside of her (and if you’re doing it right, there’s a very high likelihood of that occurring), respond with something along the lines of,
“But I haven’t even gotten to _______ you yet,” or simply, “What’s the rush? I’m just warming up…”
See? No need to lie. No need to go back on a “promise.” All you need is patience.
As Dex put it in The Tao of Steve,
“Girls want it fifteen minutes later than guys, so if you hold out for twenty, she’ll be chasing you for five.”
And that, my friends, is the opposite of rape-y.
Learn to gracefully accept a “no.”
In fact, how a person responds to “no” is the single best indicator of whether or not you ought to say yes to them in future.
Let’s take an extreme example, for the sake of clarity: Jeff “Jeffy” Allen.
Here we have the poster child for “inability to gracefully accept rejection.” The responses described by the various women who rejected his advances range from pouty and passive-aggressive…
A few silent moments went by, and then he announced, “Well, at least you got a free dinner out of it.”
…to blame/guilt tripping…
He FLIPS the FUCK out. Jumps up and starts berating me, gesturing at his (now limp) dick, saying,”LOOK at what you did to me!!” and “are you kidding me? After all that time I spent on you??”
…to outright hostility:
After unlocking my car and getting inside, I heard my phone vibrate. I pulled it out, and to my surprise, I already had 3 texts waiting, and more were appearing by the second. “Kill yourself nigger.” “You’re pathetic.” “The cognitive dissonance must be killing you,” (absolutely no idea how he’s interpreting this phrase). “The funny thing is, we’re actually perfect for each other,” and a final “You’re pathetic.” Wow.
How anyone could imagine this sort of response would turn the situation to their favor is hard to wrap your brain around, no? And yet, the alternative of responding gracefully to rejection is equally difficult for a lot of folks to grasp.
Because here’s the thing: handling a “no” with aplomb is *the* fastest way to establish trust with a new partner.
Let’s say you’re out with someone for the very first time, at your favorite restaurant. So, you decide to order for both of you. “The steak is to die for,” you tell your date, “you’re gonna love it!”
Buuuuut, your date just happens to be a vegetarian.
For the sake of argument, let’s say this news doesn’t dissuade you just yet. “Aw come on,” you say with a smile, “just this once. It’s worth it, I swear! I promise I won’t turn you in to the veggie gestapo.”
Your date plays along, making a clever quip about gazpacho, but holds her/his ground: no steak.
Now, what you have on your hands is an opportunity. Your date is probably feeling a bit awkward right now, having had to set that boundary. You can either fan that awkwardness into flaming red flag (see “Jeffy,” above), or you can be the hero who alleviates it.
And the best part is that it takes very little effort to alleviate someone’s awkwardness. Just maintain a friendly smile, calmly and briefly acknowledge the boundary, and move on.
In this example, that might look like this:
“Okay, no meat? No problem. Their eggplant polenta parmesan is also amazing.” And change the subject.
Now, that is of course a little harder to do when the rejection gets more personal, but the principal remains the same. Smile, calm acknowledgment, move on.
You may even find that when you accept a no with little to no reaction, the no will magically transform into a yes. For example, let’s say you’re at a club, and you ask your date to dance. Your date declines.
Why? Because once you’ve made it clear that you are big enough and strong enough and self-possessed enough to handle a no, the need for the no all but disappears. It’s the Not-Okay-No Effect (NONE) in reverse.
Quick review of the NONE: by reacting badly to a no, you’re letting your PIQ know that it’s “not okay” to say no, thereby triggering an immediate, defensive desire to say no.
If, on the other hand, you make it clear that “no” is no problem, you are letting your PIQ know that it’s safe to be real around you. And one of the major side-benefits of feeling safe, and of being real, is that TRUST can be established quickly, and thoroughly.
And more to the point, you’ll be respecting the boundaries of a fellow human being. And that, dear friends, is its own reward.
I can just hear you thinking: “Really? A baby?”
Yes, really. A baby can teach you a lot about attraction.
Unlike us grown-ups, babies have no baggage. They haven’t had the time–or the need–to ensconce themselves in a fortress of defense mechanisms, and they haven’t yet been fitted with any cultural lenses to help them interpret the world around them. Babies are little bundles of pure reaction, so we can learn a lot about the basic laws of human interaction, and thus attraction, from observing their behavior.
Note, for example, how babies interact with toys. If you try to force a toy on a baby, shoving it in her face and waggling it around aggressively, she will push it away. But if, instead, you show her the toy and then slowly pull it away, she will reach for it.
Furthermore, once she takes the toy, if it doesn’t do anything new or interesting, she will toss it and look for something more exciting.
Same thing with food: if you try to force-feed a baby, he will rebel. But if you make it into a game, transforming the spoon into an airplane, or eating some yourself and smacking your lips in delight, he will bounce in his seat, open his mouth wide, and even reach out to take the spoon and feed himself.
Underneath all our acquired habits and social machinations, we’re just a bunch of babies. So remember, when you’re out there trying to interest someone in the new toy or delicious morsel that is you, that these rules apply to everyone.
– If you are too aggressive or apply any kind of pressure–even if that pressure takes the form of neediness–they will push you away.
– If instead you present yourself as valuable, and then slowly withdraw, they will reach for you.
– If you are too consistent, too agreeable, and/or too fact-based and dull, they will tire of you quickly and drop you in favor of something more dynamic, tension laden, and emotionally fulfilling.
– If instead you make every interaction into a game, and are genuinely enjoying yourself regardless of what they do or say, you will soon find them playing along with real enthusiasm, and even taking the lead.
If you follow these “Baby Steps,” you’ll find that attraction becomes (must… make… terrible… pun!) Child’s Play.
The PUA (Pick Up Artist) community is rife with nonsense reasons why women occasionally put up resistance just before sex is about to happen. Rationalizations that are true a minority of the time, like, “they need to seem as though they put up resistance or they will be seen as a slut.” Or Mystery’s idea that “It is a biological response to the high stakes of having sex.” He’s actually right that it is about stakes, but not right about it being a biological response.
A lot of PUAs have imagined reasons that are so irrational that men can feel justified in simply squashing them in order to get to sex. And ironically, this railroading of women’s objections only serves to exacerbate the problem. In fact, no one in the PUA community has ever given the real reason why “LMR” (Last-Minute Resistance) occurs.
Well, here it is, the true underlying reason: A phenomenon we at The Attractive Arts call the “Not-Okay No Effect” or NONE. The secret behind it can be summed up simply: She won’t say “yes” if you can’t embrace “no.”
There is no yes, without embracing no.
Imagine, for a moment, that you’re a woman. You’ve just finished a nice dinner, and your date reaches for the check while casting you a seductive glance. At that moment you start feeling: He is buying, and he just made it sexual. Can I say “no” now? I do find him attractive, but I want it to be my choice. And then you start thinking, “I have a rule, no sex on the first date. Besides, I have to get up early, and…” He thought he was being very subtle and sly with that sexy smile, but now your internal struggle with the question of whether or not to “put out” has taken you completely out of the moment and drawn you up into your head.
After dinner, your date changes the venue and makes you forget all of your concerns with some dancing. The dancing gets mighty steamy, with plenty of groping and even some kissing. Then it’s back to his place for a drink. You start wondering about what his place will look like, and think about how nice–and what a good kisser!–he is. You are a little concerned about your safety, but you’ve been watching him and he seems like an upstanding guy, so you feel OK about it. But as soon as you walk in, he decides to make a dramatic display of passion. He grabs you and pins you against the wall, kissing you and groping your lady bits with an urgency that wasn’t there before.
You have been enjoying the slow, sensual dance of desire, when suddenly you are flying down foreplay highway, heading full speed toward Intercourse because the same guy who was so playful and casual earlier has become a jackhammer locomotive of sexual desire. You’ve already said “yes” with your behavior thus far, and maybe even with your words. But suddenly the pressure he is putting on you, probably without even realizing it, makes you feel afraid because you don’t have time to process the passion that is now being demanded of you. Your self determinism is threatened because you must make an immediate decision or it will be made for you by default.
However, you don’t know why you feel afraid, so you start to look for reasons why you feel that way (this is called post-hoc rationalization), and, being a woman, you come up with plenty of them. Suddenly your mind is flooded with rational fears: pregnancy, STD’s, heartbreak, reputational ruin, getting used/discarded…
Now you have a whole litany of reasons to say “no,” but you’ve already said “yes,” and so you feel that you CAN’T say “no.” And this “Not-Okay No Effect” makes you WANT to say “no” all the more.
What went wrong? Pressure is fine when applied masterfully, but hitting someone over the head with your expectations threatens their self determinism. And humans protect their sense that they are making their own decisions fervently.
Okay, now imagine you’re a man. Once you get NONE, as described above, one of two things will happen:
1. She will actually say “no.” You will feel confused, and possibly angry or hurt. You may think your sexual skills have been called into question, or you may think that she is crazy, or a cocktease, or both. Neither of you will get the sex you wanted, and you will probably end up with blue balls.
2. She will continue with the encounter despite the fact that she wants to say “no,” and immediately regret having done it. She may feel resentful of the pressure you put on her. She may feel ashamed. In any case, she won’t feel good and she will associate that icky feeling with you, and therefore will most likely not want to see you again. This is where the “buyer’s remorse” that most PUAs talk about comes from.
This applies to non-sexual circumstances as well. The simple act of a sales person mentioning to a client, “You already agreed to purchase something from me today, right?” will guarantee the salesperson will get no sale, or at best a minimal purchase and no repeat business.
Look, I am not taking the responsibility of saying “no” away from anyone; that’s the realm of ethics. Rather, I am explaining a truth of the universe: the moment one person expresses an expectation (verbally or otherwise) that the other person must say “yes,” the other person will want to say “no.”
So how can you avoid getting NONE? You can contact us and we can explain it all in great detail, but the short answer is to continue the same energy that got you there in the first place. Pull away, tease, and give space for her desire to grow, all the while moving steadily toward your goal with the expectation that what you are offering, she wants.
Don’t expect her to agree, expect her to want to agree.