PUA

A surefire mens guide to avoid last minute resistance

What if I told you

One of the most controversial areas of attraction coaching is “LMR” technique, or how to overcome “Last Minute Resistance” to sex. And for good reason: while the language and ideology surrounding it are incredibly problematic and, well, “rape-y,” many of the techniques themselves are not only effective in creating a positive sexual experience for BOTH partners, they are actually powerful rape-prevention tactics. That’s right: if done correctly, the right LMR techniques make rape a virtual impossibility.

But first, let’s unpack what’s problematic about LMR. And there’s plenty…

The basic premise of LMR technique is this: you’re making out with a girl. It’s all going swell. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she starts putting up resistance to the idea of actually having sex. LMR theory teaches you that 1. her resistance is triggered by an archaic biological response, and 2. it’s your job to help her overcome that knee-jerk response so y’all can get your sexy on.

Let’s start with #1: the notion that her resistance is hard-wired into her female “biology.” The way that LMR has been explained by the attraction community up to now is perfectly exemplified in this classic anti-LMR ad from PUA Gareth Jones:

(LMR) is the biology of women kick starting their last-ditch attempts at ASD (Anti-Slut Defense).

This is to say that instincts tell a girl that she’s not ready to have sex yet (after such a short period of time) because of all the hazards it presents to her mind and body:

1. Pregnancy

2. Abandonment

3. Social Repercussions (ie being called a slut)

Rake has already written a brilliant article on slut shaming and what can you do to help women be more comfortable being sexually proactive and render the so-called “Anti-Slut Defense” obsolete, so I’ll skip right over that hot rhetorical mess.

Now then, let’s first acknowledge that this list of “hazards… to her mind and body” is A. entirely rational, and B. incomplete. Women are also at higher risk when it comes to sexually transmitted infections, sexual violence, stalking, abduction, etc., etc., etc. Indeed, Jones refers to these fears as “logical,” even as he describes LMR technique as “methods to get around that obsolete biological response.” So wait, the response is “biological,” (which in this context means hard-wired as opposed to thought-based), but the fears triggered by that response are logical? Mmmmkay.

Look, the reality is that a woman undertakes very real risks every time she has sex, particularly with a new partner. Even if your intentions are as pure as freshly-fallen snow (and let’s be honest, if you’re learning LMR technique they’re probably more like 3-day old snow piled up on the side of the road), even if you take all possible precautions, the risks to her are only reduced, not eliminated.  To dismiss her entirely legit concerns as an “obsolete biological response” is pure sexist bullshit.

“But,” I can hear some of you thinking from across the internetz, “what about irrational fears? Shouldn’t I help her overcome those?”

The truth is that there are are myriad reasons why a woman (or a man, for that matter) might suddenly start feeling and/or acting resistant to the idea of having sex, even after feeling/acting 100% on-board right up to that moment. There are as many reasons for resisting sex as there are reasons for desiring it. And the reason a woman gives for not wanting to have sex may or may not be the actual reason. She may not even be aware of the reason. But that doesn’t make it any less real or compelling for her.

And hey, some of those reasons may be for your benefit as much as for hers. Maybe she has an STI and is too embarrassed to tell you about it. Maybe she’s on her period and she doesn’t want her first time with you to look like a crime scene. Maybe she’s married and trying to keep her husband from coming after you with a gun. Maybe she’s just not that into you and trying to save you both some heartbreak. Maybe she’s far too into you and knows that once she seals the deal, she will never be able to let go, and is trying to save you from having to file a restraining order down the line. Maybe she’s a succubus. You just. don’t. know.

  • The bottom line is: any reasons a person may have for resisting sex, whether you or anyone else deems them rational or right, are valid reasons in the moment and should be respected as such.

Which brings us to #2. The idea that resistance to sex is an obstacle to be overcome, and that your job as a man is to rise to the challenge and talk her out of it, is kinda rapey. It’s based on two flawed premises: 1. your job as a man is to get sex from a woman (whose job it is to protect herself from the consequences of sex), and 2. any sex, even grudging, one-sided sex, is better than no sex.

  • And that, in a nutshell, is the mindset that makes rape culture possible.

Come on, guys! You’re better than that. You don’t need sex. Sure, sex is fun, but so are plenty of other things you could be doing together. So resistance to sex shouldn’t bother you any more than, say, resistance to going out to see a particular movie. Okay, so she’s not in the mood to watch Die Hard 7 right now. *shrug* Let’s see what else is showing.

Here’s what it all comes down to: 

  • The game is not to get women to sleep with you. The game is to get women to want to sleep with you.

The art of attraction is exactly that: it’s about inspiring attraction toward a particular person at a particular time. Because here’s something else that might blow your mind:

  • You don’t need to make a woman want sex. Women already want sex.

That said, you may need to inspire a woman to want to have sex with you, at this particular time and in this particular circumstance.

And how do you do that?

Here’s where the actual LMR technology comes in. And it turns out that a lot of it, despite being couched in the rhetorical awfulness we’ve just unpacked, is dead-on.

Let’s take a look at Jones’ 3-step approach:

STEP 1: Say NO to sex before she does! You’re in the drivers seat, not her!

[…]Pre-emptive measures are those that we dispense in order to combat even the thought of her needing to reject us.

For instance, if you tell a girl she has to sleep on the couch, or that you have work early in the morning, it will subconsciously register as a sort of rejection. […] In this case, I flat-out told her that I wouldn’t have sex with her because she’d already had too much to drink.

This is simply a more specific form of disqualification. You are disqualifying yourself as someone who is going to push a sexual agenda, thereby taking the pressure off of her to decide whether or not to accept your advances.

“But that’s dishonest!” some of you are probably thinking. And yeah, the specific tactics Jones lists here are kinda dishonest. But you don’t need to lie about your intentions in order for this tactic to work. You just need to change your intentions.

Instead of saying you have to go to work early, or that you think she’s too drunk to fuck, how about just letting her know that sex is not your #1 priority by expressing enthusiasm for something else you would genuinely enjoy doing.

Let’s say you’ve been making out all the way home. The moment you get in the door, she’s expecting the action to escalate. So instead, you say, “Oh hey, there’s this video you absolutely have to see!” or “I’m starving, let’s go make a snack,” or whathaveyou. Anything that takes pressure off and lets her know you’re not dead-set on getting laid tonight.

The more sincere the enthusiasm for the new activity, the more thorough the focus-shift, the more effective this tactic will be.

STEP 2: Show her that you’re NOT horny or desperate and she’ll be all over you!

This is the standard Freeze-Out Technique we’ve all read about in The Game, the purpose of which is to turn her on a bit and stop when she says no, leaving her, essentially, stewing in her own juices. […]

When she said “no“, I stopped, rolled over, and checked my phone.

She asked me, “You’re mad, aren’t you?

I replied, “No. I’m not mad, I just respect when a woman says no. Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight, anyway.

Big smile. She starts fooling around again.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

This one is all about attitude. And frankly I would argue that Jones was not quite nailing it if his Person In Question (PIQ) was in any way concerned that he was mad.

The key here is to back the fuck off both physically and emotionally. No pouting. No pressure of any kind. You simply accept, wholly and cheerfully, that sex is not happening right now. And you continue to enjoy her company.

And again, I’m not a fan of the disingenuous, “Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight.” You could just as easily say, “Don’t worry. I just love hanging out with you.” Or kissing you. Or cuddling with you. Or watching bad movies with you. Or whatever you actually enjoy doing with this person other than the horizontal mambo.

If, on the other hand, there is genuinely nothing you enjoy doing with her aside from getting your rocks off, then you need to aim higher, my friend. And you need to let her go find someone who values all that she has to offer.

“But what if she gives me a specific reason she’s putting the breaks on? Isn’t that my cue to offer a counter-point?”

Nope. It’s definitely your cue to listen and let her know she’s been heard, but not to Svengali her out of it. Now, you don’t have to agree with her reasoning, of course, but arguing will get you nowhere. The best way to assuage her fears and reassure her of your good intentions is by simply respecting her boundaries and treating her like someone who knows what the fuck she wants and doesn’t want.

That said, if you have additional data you think will help her make an informed decision, feel free to share it. Just realize that she is under no obligation to change her mind because of it.

“What if she says no, but everything about her body language and behavior runs counter to that no? Should I pay attention to her words or to her actions?”

You should pay attention to both, and you should back the fuck off. Because–and I’m going to say something now that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble: it’s true that women have been known to say “no” and mean “yes.” *Gasp!* But guess what? The solution remains the same: take the pressure off, and she’ll be more willing to say and show you that underlying yes. Keep pushing and that coy, insincere “no” is increasingly likely to turn sincere. Stay playful and insouciant, see her “no” as just another enjoyable aspect of foreplay, and she’ll be far more likely to keep the game going and pushing things forward on her own.

  • The bottom line is, regardless of why a woman is saying “no,” the most effective response (which, conveniently, is also the only ethical one) is to stop what you’re doing and give her some space. Chances are, as soon as you do, she will start reaching back toward you.

And if she doesn’t? There’s a reason. A reason you don’t need to know, and may not even want to know.

So let it go, man. Just let it go.

To sum up: sexual resistance is not a dragon to be slain. It’s just an emotion. And like any other emotion, the more you fight it, the stronger it becomes. Resisting resistance only makes it more powerful, as Rake explained in his article on The Not-Okay-No Effect. Resistance is foiled only by genuine acceptance. Accept the no. Embrace the no. Only then can the no become a yes. 

acceptance-road-sign

STEP 3: Always, Always, ALWAYS spend at least 20 minutes to 30 minutes of FOREPLAY on her!

The purpose of this last stage of Anti-LMR is to turn her on so much, that she’s not using her logical mind. All the, “Will I get pregnant?” and “Does this make me a slut?” thoughts are gone and she is only doing what her body tells her is good for her.

In this case, her body will want as much of me as possible, and I’ll tell you why.

After all the thoughts were stirred and all my cards were on the table, I told her I was completely fine just kissing her.

She told me she wouldn’t even take off her shirt and I told her that was totally cool by me, but did that mean all skin showing was fair game?

Yes,” She said. I then proceed to:

  1. I kissed her neck and down across her collar bone.
  2. Over her tank-top strap and down her arm.
  3. I kissed down her upper-arm and began to nibble at the inside of her elbow.
  4. She exhaled, heavily. “Okay, I’m turned on.
  5. She quickly pulled off her tank-top.
  6. I had a much larger playing field, but I still had to take it slow.

I’ll spare you the details, but there was a lot of inner-thigh licking and nibbling and blowing cold air over warm, wet spots and suddenly, she was begging for me to get inside of her.

I told her, several times, that, “I’m not going to fuck you because I made a promise to you.”

Pretty soon she was on top of me, grinding her pubic bone against me and peeling off the rest of her clothing.

The more I said “No”, the more she begged.

After I finally knew she wasn’t doing it to prove a point, I let her have it and, four orgasms later, we moved to the other bed in the room (hotel, of course), on account of having destroyed the first one.

Once again, we have some seriously yucky underlying theory here. The idea that you are trying to get her to stop “using her logical mind” suggests that women have no logical reason for wanting sex, only physical/biological urges. The deeply disturbing implication of this is that women A. are irrational creatures whose bodies are working against their best interests, and B. must be tricked into having sex because, logically, they should not even want it.

Thanks, rape culture!

Look, as discussed above, women do have logical reasons to be wary of sex. But they also have plenty of perfectly sound reasons to want sex. Probably the same ones you have. It is as unnecessary as it is unethical to purposefully cultivate a state of mind in which a woman will work against her own best interests to satisfy some mysterious, unspecified biological imperative. It’s also a bunch of pseudo-scientific nonsense.

Instead, try starting from the assumption that she wants sex just as much as you do. That she desires and enjoys sex immensely, and that it therefore IS in her best interests to have sex, provided she desires it right now and with you. Which is where the actual technique described here comes in.

These are pretty standard, time-tested seduction tactics. You simply move more slowly than she’s expecting you to, gratify her physically and emotionally, and express explicit enjoyment of what’s already happening every step of the way. Not only do you never push her to go further, you continually pull back, giving her the opportunity to chase you, to bring you back, to keep that forward momentum going herself. Only then do you know for sure that you have a woman’s genuine, enthusiastic consent.

Once again, though, Jones pushes the reverse-psychology to an unnecessarily dishonest, integrity-eroding point by insisting that he isn’t going to fuck her because he “made a promise” and repeatedly telling her “no.” That kind of charade will break down trust over time and is likely to lead to morning-after regrets. It also perpetuates the idea that it’s okay to disrespect or ignore a person’s sexual resistance, which is exactly what we’re trying to correct here.

Happily, you can achieve the same effect by simply focusing on how much you’re enjoying what’s already happening. Tell her how much you love that little noise she makes when you kiss her neck. Tell her you could spend all night just running your fingertips over her skin. If she tells you she wants you inside of her (and if you’re doing it right, there’s a very high likelihood of that occurring), respond with something along the lines of,

“But I haven’t even gotten to _______ you yet,” or simply, “What’s the rush? I’m just warming up…”

See? No need to lie. No need to go back on a “promise.” All you need is patience.

As Dex put it in The Tao of Steve,

“Girls want it fifteen minutes later than guys, so if you hold out for twenty, she’ll be chasing you for five.”

And that, my friends, is the opposite of rape-y.

Why Science? And how it can actually help the Pickup Artist community.

 

love_science_desktop_1024x864_wallpaper-210997

 

I understand the confusion.  Science is, after all, incredibly incompetent when it comes to helping people with social problems.  Psychology has been around for over a hundred years and it’s really infantile in its efficacy.  For all its expansive theory, Psychology has rarely improved upon the “ear of an empathic insightful friend.”  And when it has, it is always an empathic insightful therapist armed with scientific knowledge that did the trick.  So Why Science?

So, the real problem is not that science has nothing to offer, the real problem is the application of science as a source for a solution instead of a tool for a solution.

What is needed to solve a social dilemma (let’s limit it to that, since that’s what we do) is someone perspicacious enough to apply science as a tool. This is noticeably lacking and very needed. Sadly, many Pick Up Artists are still using the nonsensical and completely fallacious evolutionary psychology. And they use it mostly as marketing.

Meanwhile, real science applied to love and romance can completely demystify it, tell you the real reasons you feel scared and take a lot of that fear away.

Most people don’t need to be told “don’t stand too close” (proxemics), “look them in the eyes” (occulesics), “alter your vocal pitch” (prosody) and “stand up straight” (kinesics).”  And so why do we need fancy scientific words that focus on those things?  Because many people going for more advanced social skills do need to be told “altering your proximity in conversation can create sexual tension” (proxemics), “looking away is as important as eye contact” (occulesics), “vocal pitch can be used to close distance” (prosody), and “how you hold your head influences how people see you more than anything else in the first few seconds of an interaction” (kinesics).

Perhaps most importantly, we as a society need to change how we are interacting with strangers.

Most of our social conditioning is designed to distance ourselves from others and find justifications to avoid other people.

It prevents us from seeing that the nerdy guy who is being a little bit rude is just losing his words because he’s nervous, and the cocky dude who’s being a little too loud is probably just terrified.

This is not to say that those are the people that you need to spend your time on, but there’s no reason to stop a conversation with them when a little bit of calm, fearless, and skilled social attention could change their lives.  And possibly yours.

We have helped hundreds of well-meaning socially awkward folks find love with people who would NEVER have looked at them twice and the retention rate of their relationships are about double the national average.  What that tells me (and I confess this is not very scientific) is that there are a lot of people out there passing up a lot of really good opportunities.

Science exists with its incredibly rigorous and exacting methodologies for a very good reason. To avoid the cognitive biases that you and I aren’t even aware that we have. 

These biases are not only impossible to avoid otherwise, most people don’t bother because those biases are what actually make marketing effective.

But it’s a rejection of pseudoscience like “a woman needs a guy to impregnate her so she will seek out a male who looks like he can protect her” that make me so passionate about extricating all of it from any PUA methodology.  It is all evopsych nonsense.

I used to be an evopsych devotee until I learned just how much completely made up hogwash there is in it.

It’s not that evopsych is totally wrong. It’s that it can’t be called totally right.  And since polarized thinking is the most common form of cognitive bias trying to help someone differentiate what is and isn’t good science in it is basically impossible. For example, the desire for impregnation plays a role in womens decisions to an unknown (and ever fluctuating) degree and the desire for someone to protect them is equally fluctuating.  This kind of pseudoscience is unnecessary to explain what is happening between men and women (or any pair bonding individuals of any gender).  So why even bother with it?

I am not trying to undercut the Pickup Artist community with this.  I am actually just trying to save them from their own PR nightmare and the slow dwindling into oblivion that they are currently suffering from. I certainly am not claiming I can do it all myself.  But I helped create The Attractive Arts to do my part.

We all know that some PUAs are misogynists, not because they have a reason to hate women but because when you gamify attraction you create an us vs them model that glorifies misogyny. If you want to study some science on this, study symbolic convergence theory.

This is where you get PUAs like Jeffy Jeff Allen, who should already been socially ostracized in every PUA circle in order to avoid the PR nightmare that is this very deserved article.

Mystery on the other hand is a scholar turned rogue, I love the guy. He genuinely loves women and even though he came up with the caveman evopsych nonsense about approach anxiety.  What he teaches to people both works and can be applied ethically. He has also influence the PUA community more than any other PUA and he now sets an example of reformed ethics in Pick Up that people can be proud of.  He deserves a lot of credit.

Vince Kelvin, a great natural presence teaching game on a level most can’t grasp but anyone who can, really could have their lives changed. He might be my favorite.  He is unapologetically sex focused yet incredibly ethical and honest.  A role model for others.

So there are lots of great PUAs out there, we are just trying to add a dynamic to it that we think is needed and fits our particular gifts. We are scientists by nature and two of our staff are PhDs.  We think we bring something that can allow the PUA community to remain as successful as ever without resorting to making men and women play against each other.  It can be totally divorced from all sexism and be totally oriented towards simple, natural, honest connection without any neediness.

 Our passion is to create a real way for people to stop being strangers, make friends, get jobs and get laid without regrets in the morning.

We are doing our part by applying actual science, avoiding unnecessary polarizing of women and creating a philosophical framework to attraction technology that is divorced from flashy propaganda.  It’s not designed as a dogma, we are happy when we are proven wrong and adopt new ideas quickly.

We hope this clears up future questions about why we focus so much on science in our approach and our viewpoint and connection to the Pickup Artist community.

A little love for the PUA hate(rs)

A while back, a friend of mine posted this article from the always-awesome Jezebel.com about PUA-Hate on my Facebook page.

The article is scathing, and insightful, and sums up beautifully why these men feel the need to spend so much of their precious time and energy bashing PUAs and the Seduction Community:

 “Because they’re angry and unaware that it’s their inability to see women as anything other than ‘a pair of tits and a cunt’ is what’s impeding their ability to actually meet and charm women.”

Exactly. These PUA-Haters are so focused on sex as a commodity, on getting more of it with women who are high on the male-defined “value” scale, that they can’t see past their own dicks. And who wants to date/sleep with someone who only looks at them as a score on the great scoreboard of online machismo? Only women with similarly low self-esteem, and a similarly misguided belief that sex, and sexual attention = power.

But I also understood their anger. Granted, it isn’t the same frustration and annoyance I have often felt toward the Patriarchal PUA boys’ club. Which, by the way, is also neatly summed up in the Jezebel article:

“We browsed the forums for a few hours and failed to find one user who wondered whether women are unfairly targeted (as well as stereotyped, pigeonholed, and marketed) by the seduction community. Nope! On their predominately male, heterosexual planet it’s the poor, gullible men who are the true victims.”

What? You took an overpriced seminar (or bought a book, or both), and did not immediately get a top-notch blow job from a supermodel?? Oh noes!!

Still, I feel for these guys. I really do. They remind me of myself at the obnoxious age of 13-going-on-30, when I was utterly convinced that without a boyfriend I would die. Worse, I would die without ever having really lived. Because, as every magazine and T.V. show and movie and young adult novel I came across made excessively clear, a girl who couldn’t get at least one boy to fall in love with her was a complete and utter waste of space.

Now, let’s say some uber-popular 9th grade hottie walked up to me at that point in my life, promising she could transform me from an unloved, unlovable, boyfriendless loser into a hot, popular chick like her, with an arm-length list of dudes who would cheerfully cut off their left nut to be near me. Would I have quibbled over her insulting, violent, frankly misandrous terminology? Would I have been skeptical of her qualifications, or wary of her methods? Hell no.  I would’ve done whatever she told me to do, no matter how degrading, or bizarre, or seemingly unrelated.

Because here’s the thing: back then, I was convinced that the product pedaled by this imaginary guru was essential to my happiness and well-being. And, had she existed, her existence (along with her sales pitch) would have cemented that reality for me. As in, “This must be a worthy goal, because here is this person who has it, telling me just how badly I need it!”

Let us further imagine that this girl extracts some sort of payment from me. Since I didn’t have much money back, I picture a homework-for-coaching arrangement. Meaning that I would have spent every free moment of every day doing double homework duty, plus practicing her “top-secret” attraction methods.

Finally, let’s picture that the end-of-the-year school dance rolls around, and I am finally ready to put her sure-fire methods into action! I’ve been practicing all year, so obviously, I’m going to be the belle of the ball!

But here’s the thing: I haven’t changed my attitude toward myself or, for that matter, boys.

I still believe, on a very deep level, that I need their attention in order to have any kind of self-worth. And now I need it even more, because I’ve invested so much into finally getting it, and my success will be measured (both by me and by my instructor) by just how much of it I get.

So when I approach them, they can smell that desperation on me even before I open my mouth. And they pull away from me. Again, and again. By the end of the night, not a single boy has danced with me, and I am…

PISSED.

I mean, I feel hurt and humiliated and worthless and all, but mostly I’m just furious at that pretentious bitch who lied to me and made me her acolyte and tricked me into doing all her homework. She swore up and down that if I did what she taught me that I would have boys crawling all over me! Instead I’m crying in the bathroom and listening to other girls talk about what a romantic time they’re having.

I would blame my “guru” for letting me down. And in truth, my anger would not be entirely misdirected or unjustified. She did mislead me, even if unintentionally. And she accepted payment for something that turned out to be useless. To me, at any rate.

As I was thinking about all this, I came across this article by former-PUA Mark Manson. It echoed so much of my own misgivings about taking on the PUA label, even in the jaunty, tongue-in-cheek way that a woman like me can. It solidified for me the difference between my methodology and the standard PUA model, and between my clients and that of a typical PUA.

“A lot of these guys don’t need a pick up instructor,” writes Manson. “They need a shrink and maybe some sort of anti-anxiety therapy. They need some confidence and a push to put themselves out there more and more. The technical aspect of picking up women really ISN’T that difficult. It really can be explained and taught within a few days. But it must be practiced for a long time, and to have that practice, a guy has to have healthy mindsets and an ability to overcome his fears.”

He’s right, of course. In order to be an effective coach, you have to be part shrink, part wing/cheerleader, and part muse. You have to help clients transform from the inside out, and you have to help them discover reasons to feel happy and fulfilled without a relationship, or an endless stream of flings, or whatever it is they are convinced they MUST HAVE before they can consider themselves a successful human being.

My job as a coach is not to be, as Manson puts it, a cool “rent-a-friend,” but a mirror that will allow them to see that they don’t NEED to be an attraction artist to be whole, and good, and worthy. All they really need to is enjoy themselves. In every sense of the word.

And that is what I actually do. That is my job description. I teach people how to enjoy themselves, and others.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: they call it game because it’s supposed to be fun. For everyone involved. That is the only true yardstick against which to measure success in the social realm: how much pleasure you are able to create for yourself and the people around you.

So be wary of any coach (or anyone for that matter) who does any of the following:

  • – Tells you that sex is a war, or a competition, and uses militaristic/competitive terms like “target” and “sarging.”
  • – Rates the value of human beings as sexual conquests on a scale of 1-10 (based, of course, solely on physical attractiveness).
  • – Calls you a loser, an “AFC” (Average Frustrated Chump), or otherwise belittles and mocks you for being socially awkward or sexually inexperienced.
  • – Teaches you how to trick or manipulate people into going further (sexually or romantically) than they are inclined to.
  • – Tries to convince you that women need to be “taken down a peg,” or that their self-esteem must be undercut in order for them to find you attractive.

In fact, if you meet someone who does anything, or tries to convince you to do anything that is decidedly NOT enjoyable for any of the people involved, run screaming in the other direction. Or better yet, stay right where you are and tell them:

“Dude. You’re doing it wrong.”

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