rape prevention

A surefire mens guide to avoid last minute resistance

What if I told you

One of the most controversial areas of attraction coaching is “LMR” technique, or how to overcome “Last Minute Resistance” to sex. And for good reason: while the language and ideology surrounding it are incredibly problematic and, well, “rape-y,” many of the techniques themselves are not only effective in creating a positive sexual experience for BOTH partners, they are actually powerful rape-prevention tactics. That’s right: if done correctly, the right LMR techniques make rape a virtual impossibility.

But first, let’s unpack what’s problematic about LMR. And there’s plenty…

The basic premise of LMR technique is this: you’re making out with a girl. It’s all going swell. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she starts putting up resistance to the idea of actually having sex. LMR theory teaches you that 1. her resistance is triggered by an archaic biological response, and 2. it’s your job to help her overcome that knee-jerk response so y’all can get your sexy on.

Let’s start with #1: the notion that her resistance is hard-wired into her female “biology.” The way that LMR has been explained by the attraction community up to now is perfectly exemplified in this classic anti-LMR ad from PUA Gareth Jones:

(LMR) is the biology of women kick starting their last-ditch attempts at ASD (Anti-Slut Defense).

This is to say that instincts tell a girl that she’s not ready to have sex yet (after such a short period of time) because of all the hazards it presents to her mind and body:

1. Pregnancy

2. Abandonment

3. Social Repercussions (ie being called a slut)

Cydian has already written a brilliant article on slut shaming and what can you do to help women be more comfortable being sexually proactive and render the so-called “Anti-Slut Defense” obsolete, so I’ll skip right over that hot rhetorical mess.

Now then, let’s first acknowledge that this list of “hazards… to her mind and body” is A. entirely rational, and B. incomplete. Women are also at higher risk when it comes to sexually transmitted infections, sexual violence, stalking, abduction, etc., etc., etc. Indeed, Jones refers to these fears as “logical,” even as he describes LMR technique as “methods to get around that obsolete biological response.” So wait, the response is “biological,” (which in this context means hard-wired as opposed to thought-based), but the fears triggered by that response are logical? Mmmmkay.

Look, the reality is that a woman undertakes very real risks every time she has sex, particularly with a new partner. Even if your intentions are as pure as freshly-fallen snow (and let’s be honest, if you’re learning LMR technique they’re probably more like 3-day old snow piled up on the side of the road), even if you take all possible precautions, the risks to her are only reduced, not eliminated.  To dismiss her entirely legit concerns as an “obsolete biological response” is pure sexist bullshit.

“But,” I can hear some of you thinking from across the internetz, “what about irrational fears? Shouldn’t I help her overcome those?”

The truth is that there are are myriad reasons why a woman (or a man, for that matter) might suddenly start feeling and/or acting resistant to the idea of having sex, even after feeling/acting 100% on-board right up to that moment. There are as many reasons for resisting sex as there are reasons for desiring it. And the reason a woman gives for not wanting to have sex may or may not be the actual reason. She may not even be aware of the reason. But that doesn’t make it any less real or compelling for her.

And hey, some of those reasons may be for your benefit as much as for hers. Maybe she has an STI and is too embarrassed to tell you about it. Maybe she’s on her period and she doesn’t want her first time with you to look like a crime scene. Maybe she’s married and trying to keep her husband from coming after you with a gun. Maybe she’s just not that into you and trying to save you both some heartbreak. Maybe she’s far too into you and knows that once she seals the deal, she will never be able to let go, and is trying to save you from having to file a restraining order down the line. Maybe she’s a succubus. You just. don’t. know.

  • The bottom line is: any reasons a person may have for resisting sex, whether you or anyone else deems them rational or right, are valid reasons in the moment and should be respected as such.

Which brings us to #2. The idea that resistance to sex is an obstacle to be overcome, and that your job as a man is to rise to the challenge and talk her out of it, is kinda rapey. It’s based on two flawed premises: 1. your job as a man is to get sex from a woman (whose job it is to protect herself from the consequences of sex), and 2. any sex, even grudging, one-sided sex, is better than no sex.

  • And that, in a nutshell, is the mindset that makes rape culture possible.

Come on, guys! You’re better than that. You don’t need sex. Sure, sex is fun, but so are plenty of other things you could be doing together. So resistance to sex shouldn’t bother you any more than, say, resistance to going out to see a particular movie. Okay, so she’s not in the mood to watch Die Hard 7 right now. *shrug* Let’s see what else is showing.

Here’s what it all comes down to: 

  • The game is not to get women to sleep with you. The game is to get women to want to sleep with you.

The art of attraction is exactly that: it’s about inspiring attraction toward a particular person at a particular time. Because here’s something else that might blow your mind:

  • You don’t need to make a woman want sex. Women already want sex.

That said, you may need to inspire a woman to want to have sex with you, at this particular time and in this particular circumstance.

And how do you do that?

Here’s where the actual LMR technology comes in. And it turns out that a lot of it, despite being couched in the rhetorical awfulness we’ve just unpacked, is dead-on.

Let’s take a look at Jones’ 3-step approach:

STEP 1: Say NO to sex before she does! You’re in the drivers seat, not her!

[…]Pre-emptive measures are those that we dispense in order to combat even the thought of her needing to reject us.

For instance, if you tell a girl she has to sleep on the couch, or that you have work early in the morning, it will subconsciously register as a sort of rejection. […] In this case, I flat-out told her that I wouldn’t have sex with her because she’d already had too much to drink.

This is simply a more specific form of disqualification. You are disqualifying yourself as someone who is going to push a sexual agenda, thereby taking the pressure off of her to decide whether or not to accept your advances.

“But that’s dishonest!” some of you are probably thinking. And yeah, the specific tactics Jones lists here are kinda dishonest. But you don’t need to lie about your intentions in order for this tactic to work. You just need to change your intentions.

Instead of saying you have to go to work early, or that you think she’s too drunk to fuck, how about just letting her know that sex is not your #1 priority by expressing enthusiasm for something else you would genuinely enjoy doing.

Let’s say you’ve been making out all the way home. The moment you get in the door, she’s expecting the action to escalate. So instead, you say, “Oh hey, there’s this video you absolutely have to see!” or “I’m starving, let’s go make a snack,” or whathaveyou. Anything that takes pressure off and lets her know you’re not dead-set on getting laid tonight.

The more sincere the enthusiasm for the new activity, the more thorough the focus-shift, the more effective this tactic will be.

STEP 2: Show her that you’re NOT horny or desperate and she’ll be all over you!

This is the standard Freeze-Out Technique we’ve all read about in The Game, the purpose of which is to turn her on a bit and stop when she says no, leaving her, essentially, stewing in her own juices. […]

When she said “no“, I stopped, rolled over, and checked my phone.

She asked me, “You’re mad, aren’t you?

I replied, “No. I’m not mad, I just respect when a woman says no. Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight, anyway.

Big smile. She starts fooling around again.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

This one is all about attitude. And frankly I would argue that Jones was not quite nailing it if his Person In Question (PIQ) was in any way concerned that he was mad.

The key here is to back the fuck off both physically and emotionally. No pouting. No pressure of any kind. You simply accept, wholly and cheerfully, that sex is not happening right now. And you continue to enjoy her company.

And again, I’m not a fan of the disingenuous, “Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight.” You could just as easily say, “Don’t worry. I just love hanging out with you.” Or kissing you. Or cuddling with you. Or watching bad movies with you. Or whatever you actually enjoy doing with this person other than the horizontal mambo.

If, on the other hand, there is genuinely nothing you enjoy doing with her aside from getting your rocks off, then you need to aim higher, my friend. And you need to let her go find someone who values all that she has to offer.

“But what if she gives me a specific reason she’s putting the breaks on? Isn’t that my cue to offer a counter-point?”

Nope. It’s definitely your cue to listen and let her know she’s been heard, but not to Svengali her out of it. Now, you don’t have to agree with her reasoning, of course, but arguing will get you nowhere. The best way to assuage her fears and reassure her of your good intentions is by simply respecting her boundaries and treating her like someone who knows what the fuck she wants and doesn’t want.

That said, if you have additional data you think will help her make an informed decision, feel free to share it. Just realize that she is under no obligation to change her mind because of it.

“What if she says no, but everything about her body language and behavior runs counter to that no? Should I pay attention to her words or to her actions?”

You should pay attention to both, and you should back the fuck off. Because–and I’m going to say something now that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble: it’s true that women have been known to say “no” and mean “yes.” *Gasp!* But guess what? The solution remains the same: take the pressure off, and she’ll be more willing to say and show you that underlying yes. Keep pushing and that coy, insincere “no” is increasingly likely to turn sincere. Stay playful and insouciant, see her “no” as just another enjoyable aspect of foreplay, and she’ll be far more likely to keep the game going and pushing things forward on her own.

  • The bottom line is, regardless of why a woman is saying “no,” the most effective response (which, conveniently, is also the only ethical one) is to stop what you’re doing and give her some space. Chances are, as soon as you do, she will start reaching back toward you.

And if she doesn’t? There’s a reason. A reason you don’t need to know, and may not even want to know.

So let it go, man. Just let it go.

To sum up: sexual resistance is not a dragon to be slain. It’s just an emotion. And like any other emotion, the more you fight it, the stronger it becomes. Resisting resistance only makes it more powerful, as Cydian explained in his article on The Not-Okay-No Effect. Resistance is foiled only by genuine acceptance. Accept the no. Embrace the no. Only then can the no become a yes. 

acceptance-road-sign

STEP 3: Always, Always, ALWAYS spend at least 20 minutes to 30 minutes of FOREPLAY on her!

The purpose of this last stage of Anti-LMR is to turn her on so much, that she’s not using her logical mind. All the, “Will I get pregnant?” and “Does this make me a slut?” thoughts are gone and she is only doing what her body tells her is good for her.

In this case, her body will want as much of me as possible, and I’ll tell you why.

After all the thoughts were stirred and all my cards were on the table, I told her I was completely fine just kissing her.

She told me she wouldn’t even take off her shirt and I told her that was totally cool by me, but did that mean all skin showing was fair game?

Yes,” She said. I then proceed to:

  1. I kissed her neck and down across her collar bone.
  2. Over her tank-top strap and down her arm.
  3. I kissed down her upper-arm and began to nibble at the inside of her elbow.
  4. She exhaled, heavily. “Okay, I’m turned on.
  5. She quickly pulled off her tank-top.
  6. I had a much larger playing field, but I still had to take it slow.

I’ll spare you the details, but there was a lot of inner-thigh licking and nibbling and blowing cold air over warm, wet spots and suddenly, she was begging for me to get inside of her.

I told her, several times, that, “I’m not going to fuck you because I made a promise to you.”

Pretty soon she was on top of me, grinding her pubic bone against me and peeling off the rest of her clothing.

The more I said “No”, the more she begged.

After I finally knew she wasn’t doing it to prove a point, I let her have it and, four orgasms later, we moved to the other bed in the room (hotel, of course), on account of having destroyed the first one.

Once again, we have some seriously yucky underlying theory here. The idea that you are trying to get her to stop “using her logical mind” suggests that women have no logical reason for wanting sex, only physical/biological urges. The deeply disturbing implication of this is that women A. are irrational creatures whose bodies are working against their best interests, and B. must be tricked into having sex because, logically, they should not even want it.

Thanks, rape culture!

Look, as discussed above, women do have logical reasons to be wary of sex. But they also have plenty of perfectly sound reasons to want sex. Probably the same ones you have. It is as unnecessary as it is unethical to purposefully cultivate a state of mind in which a woman will work against her own best interests to satisfy some mysterious, unspecified biological imperative. It’s also a bunch of pseudo-scientific nonsense.

Instead, try starting from the assumption that she wants sex just as much as you do. That she desires and enjoys sex immensely, and that it therefore IS in her best interests to have sex, provided she desires it right now and with you. Which is where the actual technique described here comes in.

These are pretty standard, time-tested seduction tactics. You simply move more slowly than she’s expecting you to, gratify her physically and emotionally, and express explicit enjoyment of what’s already happening every step of the way. Not only do you never push her to go further, you continually pull back, giving her the opportunity to chase you, to bring you back, to keep that forward momentum going herself. Only then do you know for sure that you have a woman’s genuine, enthusiastic consent.

Once again, though, Jones pushes the reverse-psychology to an unnecessarily dishonest, integrity-eroding point by insisting that he isn’t going to fuck her because he “made a promise” and repeatedly telling her “no.” That kind of charade will break down trust over time and is likely to lead to morning-after regrets. It also perpetuates the idea that it’s okay to disrespect or ignore a person’s sexual resistance, which is exactly what we’re trying to correct here.

Happily, you can achieve the same effect by simply focusing on how much you’re enjoying what’s already happening. Tell her how much you love that little noise she makes when you kiss her neck. Tell her you could spend all night just running your fingertips over her skin. If she tells you she wants you inside of her (and if you’re doing it right, there’s a very high likelihood of that occurring), respond with something along the lines of,

“But I haven’t even gotten to _______ you yet,” or simply, “What’s the rush? I’m just warming up…”

See? No need to lie. No need to go back on a “promise.” All you need is patience.

As Dex put it in The Tao of Steve,

“Girls want it fifteen minutes later than guys, so if you hold out for twenty, she’ll be chasing you for five.”

And that, my friends, is the opposite of rape-y.

Exit Strategy

After my most recent post, I got quite a few questions regarding the specifics of the situation I described (in which I and a man I didn’t know helped a young woman out of an awkward entanglement), the gist being, “Are you SURE intervention was necessary? Couldn’t she have just told him herself that the interaction was over and left?”

I won’t go into any more specifics here, except to reiterate that yes, in this particular case, there is no question in my mind that intervening was the right thing to do. That said, I am 100% in agreement with the idea that it is best to teach and empower people to disentangle themselves from unwanted interactions. So that’s what today’s post is all about.

 

I’ve already written a bit about the art of rejection. Quick review:

The ABC’s of rejection:

A. Admiration. Find something, anything to admire about the approach: “Clever opener,” “What a refreshingly direct approach,” or  “It takes cojones to make the first move,” etc.

B. Brief statement of disinterest. “…but I’m not feeling it.” DON’T list off your reasons. Keep it short and to the point.

C. Close off quickly and decisively. A friendly “Have fun” or “Good luck” followed by a turned back or walk-off is usually quite effective.

Altogether, it goes like this:

“You’re funny! Thanks for the entertainment, but it’s a no on the date. Cheers.”

In most cases, a casual rejection like this one is all you will need, so long as you deliver it with confidence.

 

But what do you do when you’re dealing with someone who just won’t take no for an answer? Or who has a strongly negative reaction to your rejection? And how do you deal with someone whose approach was in no way friendly or admirable, but was clearly intended to intimidate or dehumanize you? 

Here are some concrete suggestions for making a clean get-away in these stickier situations.

First off, you must be able to recognize that you are in said sticky situation. When it comes to identifying a situation that merits stronger action, trust your gut above all else. If you begin to feel genuinely afraid–not just butterflies in the tummy, but really scared–then it’s time to go. NOW. You don’t need external evidence, and you don’t need to make excuses for yourself. Just get the hell out of there, to a more (NEVER LESS) secure location.

  • Bolt first, ask questions later.

When it comes to getting out of a really uncomfortable situation, short of breaking the law (remember: you can still be charged with assault if you attack the approacher first!), just about anything goes. But here are some tried-and-true methods that have worked for generations.

NOTE: I ordered this list from least to most invasive, so I recommend starting at 1 and moving on to 2 only if 1 fails, and so forth. Also, these methods are most useful (and some of them are ONLY useful) as long as you remain in a public place. If a stranger or near-stranger tries to isolate you for any reason, or starts hitting on you in an isolated location (i.e. an elevator, an empty or nearly-empty bus or train car, or in the woods), you may need to use techniques like these instead.

 

1. Call me

Obviously it isn’t always possible to plan ahead. Say, if you’re approached at a bus stop or coffee shop. But if you’re going on a date with someone you don’t know well, or going clubbing, or anyplace where you’re more likely to get approached, it’s a great idea to set up a back-up call.

Picture this: you’re having a lousy time, but this dud just isn’t picking up your signals. You send a short text under the table: CALL ME. The phone rings a moment later, and your friend is in *terrible* distress.

“Oh no,” you tell your date, “this sounds serious. I need to go talk my friend down.”

Exit secured.

You can also set it up for a friend to call you at a certain time without prompting, just in case. If things are going well, you simply ignore the call, or better yet, take the opportunity to brag a bit.

This can also work without anyone on the other end, so long as you know how to make your own phone ring on command. I recommend learning this trick, as it has bailed me out of more than one unfortunate interaction.

 

2. I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date

It may be cliche, but it works.

All this trick takes is a quick look at a clock, and distressed expression, and a panicked, “Oh no! I’m late!” Then you just grab your things, give a quick, “Sorry, gotta go,” and you’re outta there.

 

3. When you gotta go, you gotta go

It’s hard to deny someone an immediate, physical need. If you suddenly have to pee, or you feel ill, or you spill something all over yourself, there are few approachers who will try to keep you from heading to the facilities.

And if s/he does try to keep you there, or follows you to the bathroom? Feel free to start acting like you’re going to vomit on him/her, pee your pants, etc. If you can rip a really juicy fart, or burp right in his/her face, do it.

Gross is good. Nothing shrinks a boner like icky bodily functions.

Another tried-and-true method of grossing out unwanted approachers is to pick your nose and wipe it on your clothing. This is a great trick on public transportation, where there are no facilities and just up and leaving isn’t necessarily an option.

4. Go crazy on you

If any/all of the above didn’t do the trick, then you’re probably dealing with someone with a couple of loose screws. So, why not turn the tables and loosen your own screws a bit?

A quick illustration: a friend of mine was getting a little too much attention from a much older man in a park. She was polite at first, but when he sat down next to her uninvited and started to put his hand on her knee, she busted out her improv skills, turning to him with a suspicious look and saying,

“Who sent you? Was it THEM? Did THEY send you? Well you can tell them I’m NEVER COMING BACK! They’re not going to keep running experiments on MY brain, even if those aliens DID implant a microchip in there!”

She ranted on like that for several minutes, until finally he made his excuses and left.

Mission accomplished.

 

5. You make me wanna SHOUT

You may be surprised how effective it is simply to raise your voice. Most people don’t like “causing a scene” and will get anxious if you start yelling. Besides, a nice, strong yell right in the face can snap them out of their one-track-trance and make them realize that this has gotten serious. “NO” or “STOP” are good go-to yell words.

And if that doesn’t work? Well, this is where a rape whistle comes in handy. But anything you can get your hands on that makes a loud noise will do.

A sudden loud noise will also alert others in the area that something untoward is happening, and you may be able to solicit some back-up.

Speaking of which…

 

6. Requesting Backup

A lot of the time, when something not so good is going down, onlookers are nervous about stepping in. But when clearly invited to do so, they are often happy to intercede. Alas, you can’t, and probably shouldn’t, count on that, but you can learn some clever ways to leverage their presence, regardless.

Try randomly involving an onlooker into an awkward conversation. Ask a question, seek an opinion, compliment their shoes, do whatever you can to get them to respond. If they stay and chat, this will offer safety-in-numbers, and even if they don’t, it will send a clear signal to the unwanted party that you don’t want this to be a one-on-one interaction and aren’t afraid to involve others.

Sometimes, though, you may need to take more drastic measures. Try to make eye contact with someone (or even better, a group of people), and send out distress signals with your eyes. Once you think they’ve gotten the message, call out,

“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

and walk toward them. Unless the person is seriously oblivious, or just kind of an asshole, they will almost always play along. This works especially well if you are female and can disappear into a group of women.

Meanwhile, if ever you see someone in a precarious situation and wish to intervene, here are some tips for doing so safely and effectively:

– Address the person who looks like they’re in trouble, NOT the person causing said trouble.

– Ask first. “Need a hand?” in a friendly, upbeat tone works nicely. If they say no firmly, simply smile and say, “Just checking.” If they say no with hesitation or in a manner that seems unsure, say,

“Okay. I’ll be right over here. Let me know if anything changes.”

– If they do ask for help (or are visibly unable to do so), ignore the troublemaker completely. Even if they speak to or threaten you directly. First priority is to get the person you are helping, and yourself, out of there and into a more safe environment.

– As in everything, there is safety in numbers. A whole group of people extracting one person is always going to be safer and more efficient.

 

7. And if all else fails, Let’s get physical!

I really recommend avoiding getting into a physical tussle if you can. There are just so many things that can go wrong, and it’s easy for onlookers to mistake you for the attacker and back the wrong side.

There are, however, some situations that absolutely merit a hands-on approach. If someone is getting very handsy and won’t stop when asked to, do your best to block/remove said hands, and then create enough of a safe distance between yourself and the approacher that a recurrence will be easy to curtail. In other words: get out of the intimate/personal zones and back into the social/public zones.

If, on the other hand, s/he is actively attempting to restrain you, then going on the offensive is the best move you can make. A nice, hard slap (or drink!) in the face is a classic choice. That will show her/him that you aren’t afraid to go on the attack, and should provide enough of a shock factor that you are able to disengage and GTFO.

 

Above all, do your best to disengage emotionally from the situation as soon as it becomes less-than-enjoyable. Because the most powerful weapon a stranger can have against you is your empathy.

 

 

 

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