relationships

How to love

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She left him but a note.  

“Dear Adam,

Life has lost its flavor since those days in the Garden.  We used to do a lot of crazy shit, eating Dad’s food without permission, traipsing around wearing nothing but our birthday suits, letting your “snake” convince me to do things I shouldn’t.   But since we’ve moved, the excitement is gone,  you just don’t seem to try anymore.  I still love you, but I’m not in love with you.  

Goodbye Adam.

-Eve”

I have dealt with a great deal of confusion from people over the years on the subject of love.  Specifically with people who either don’t know if they are in love, don’t know if they want to be in love, or don’t know if they ever will be in love.

The standard advice is that love is felt, when you know that you are in love and you are certain of it, then you are.  If you are questioning whether you are in love, the smart money is on getting out of that situation because if you were really in love you would “just know.”

I am here to tell you why that’s wrong.  I’m here to tell you how to love.

 

That statement itself poses a problem for most people.  Love is the last bastion of safety from a world seeking to codify and categorize things.   For someone to say they figured it out demystifies it, and that ruins it.  And I agree with that, it does ruin it.  I am not looking to do that at all, I am simply attempting to avoid the appeal-to-nature of the “you’ll just feel/know it” argument while not falling victim to my own naturalist fallacy.

What I am trying to do is help those of you who may have doubt about love.  Are you really in love?  Can you do anything to make it feel stronger?  Can you save a strained love?

There are answers to these questions, and those answers come when you learn a skill.
How to love.

And that’s what we’re going to learn how to do now.  

Love is a feeling you get that intensifies with relatable experiences.

This simply means that you have things you relate to with another person, then you have experiences orbiting around those things, then you have experiences that relate to past experiences and it is intensified if those experiences relate to your ideas, dreams, hopes and especially stories about partnership.  That is how the feeling of love is created.

Here’s an example.  So, Adam meets Eve and they both say, “wow, we both really enjoy gardens.” Because they are compatible they have some experiences around gardens (perhaps they plant a garden, frolic in a garden, or eat some fruit).  Adam knows about Eve’s love of gardens so he will choose to do things for her that are garden-related (a wedding in a garden, a garden party, etc).

Those are the relatable experiences that makes love intensify.  What makes it romantic is the way you narratively frame it, the way Adam arranges events in their lives that reflect on the story of Eve’s life, and vice versa.  Maybe you grew up in a family that gardened and it was a place that witnessed many loving moments, or just simple comfort.  Or maybe a garden symbolizes growth and fertility for her, and if so that’s her narrative frame for gardens.  The number of past positive stories that Eve can relate to revolving around gardens will intensify the feeling of love.  And the number of those stories that feel romantic or sexual will increase romance for Eve.

So if you care about similar things and then create interesting memories together that relate to those things you care about and do so with affection.  You’ll feel love naturally.  But while most people think that happens naturally, it often takes work to ensure its success.  Because life makes us busy, the effort you have to spend is often just about finding time to write the stories that make the memories.

The focus on how to love is the key then.  And that is broken down into two very distinct categories.

The first is value to you and the second is value to your partner.  Essentially, what they have that you relate to and want, but also what you provide to them that they relate to and want.

The first is responsive, you need only sit back and watch what they do for you and how many things they do that make you smile, give you a warm-fuzzy feeling, turn you on, and so forth.

The second is active.  And this is the tricky part for most people, because it defies normal convention and almost seems backwards in its thinking.  But I promise you, nothing could be more important.  Nearly everyone has been taught to believe that in order to do one’s part in a relationship one simply continues to do whatever it was they were already doing in life that attracted their mate in the first place.

 

So, when we break down the areas of how we actually create love, there are four important actions we must look at.  

  1. What Adam wants that Eve provides
  2. What Adam does to create a relationship that Eve benefits from
  3. What Eve wants that Adam provides
  4. What Eve does to create a relationship that Adam benefits from

It is true that 1&4 overlap and 2&3 overlap.  This is because it is a relationship, and synergy is to be expected.

But the reason they are kept separate is because (and here’s another surprising concept, and you’re going to think I made a typo), Adam is fully responsible for 1&2, while Eve is fully responsible for 3&4.  How could Adam be fully responsible for what he wants that Eve provides?!  Keep reading, you’ll see.

First, there are tricks to both.  Most relationships are just 1&3 and that is often enough for love to last a while.  Doing 2&4 as well is where you might find a story book romance that lasts a lifetime.
So, how would Adam go about doing BOTH 1&2?

Since #1 is responsive, the only thing you need to do is have straight in your mind what you value AND align those values with your own ethics.

But you have to do that in a place of distance from your feeling about someone.  The truth is that feelings come before thought.   A person has a feeling, then a thought will zoom in that tells the person why they are having that feeling.  Then something very strange can happen, the person will often think that the thought happened first because that makes the feeling rational.  If you want cake then you might get a thought justifying you to eat cake.  You might remember how good you have been recently and completely ignore the fact that the desire for cake came before that thought did.

So while a person may make you feel amazing, that could be because they gave you a smile at just the right moment, drugs when you were desperate, wore clothes that reminded you of your dad, were desperate or needy enough to not threaten you, were different from your last partner in some key aspect, gave you a romantic gesture that made you feel wonderful, and so forth.  But your feeling WILL be paramount if you have no prior system to identify a mate.  You may fall in love with someone and feeling will actually direct your mind to justify the feeling with thoughts that make it seem rational.

Imagine Stella just getting on a bus when she notices that she is missing the correct change in her purse and just as the bus driver is about to kick her off a man leans over and winks at her putting coins in the jar and while doing so says to the bus driver, “It’s a good thing the machine does the math for you.”  He gives a big smile to Stella who is overwhelmed by the charming and dashing gesture.  She sits across from him and thinks to herself.  “That comment WAS accurate I guess.”  Now Stella is the kind of woman who hates it when people are rude to others.  But because she had such positive emotions about this man she justifies his action and then puts it out of her mind.  She thinks she is being rational when in fact she just violated her own ethics.  This of course is the culprit for all number of shocking relationships that everyone (except the couple in question) is very aware should not be happening.  Without a set of values already written down that one can refer back to, the tidal wave of emotion that happens in a new relationship can set up a pattern of justifying thinking that can lead to a slippery slope where someone can stay through even abusiveness.

That said, #2 above was also being given energy and effort, a lot of the irrational justifications you allowed yourself to believe would be brought to light, but we will get into #2 in a moment.

Knowing what you value and what your ethics are is often a matter of trusting yourself.

It is better to do this when you are not in a relationship and did not recently get out of one.  If that isn’t possible, I recommend isolating yourself from your current relationship for as much time as is feasible (a week or two is usually sufficient).  Then you simply write a list of things that are important to you and categorize them. Here is a simplified version of the exercise I give to my clients:

  1. Things that make me happy:
  2. Things that help me survive better:
  3. Things that don’t fit into the above that I know I value:

Anything that is both in A and B are especially important but they all may be important and it’s really up to you to decide what order they go in for you.  All you need to know is that things that both help you survive and make you happy are usually the things that you keep on the list the longest.

Then write down what your ideal mate would be.  Write this one by hand, and leave it in a prominent location.  For this you should be very explicit and very strict with yourself.  This is someone you will never meet probably.  I call this list “Somnia Femina” which is a Latin bastardization of “dream girl.”  If you are into men you could label it “Somnia Vir.” “Somnia Persona” is the best you will probably get if you want to leave the gender ambiguous.

If you can, order all the lists in order of importance.

You can revise this list but before you do, please read through this list of cognitive biases and realize that everyone is susceptible to them.  I am, you are, your super intelligent boyfriend is, your dad, your mom, your teacher, your shrink, everyone.  Some more so than others but what is constant is that these biases are the most influential when you are upset or in some way motivated by emotions.  If you are in a fight or just out of one, or if Prince Charming just saved your life, do not revise your list then.  Trust yourself when you were more rational and allow the list to influence who you fall in love with.  Find someone that matches your values.

Here is an example.

Adam’s list (this is an actual list used with permission):

  1. Things that make me happy: Beer, hockey, fast cars, hot women, money, my dog, law school, pot, yearly charity drive, intelligent conversation, sex
  2. Things that help me survive better: Money, law school, food, air, good decisions, pragmatism
  3. Things that don’t fit into the above that I know I value: Love, attention, dedication

Somnia Femina: Wants children, stay at home wife, beautiful, somewhat smart, happy, honest, dedicated, clean, takes care of herself, healthy, no history of cancer in her family.

He then needs to remember this list and reflect on it when he meets Eve.  It’s not meant to rule you, of course. If Eve hates dogs but is a beautiful honest woman who wants to marry and raise children, plus she loves beer, hockey, fast cars, then you might be ok with letting go of the dog.  The point is to avoid falling in love with the woman who likes beer, hockey & fast cars but says she never wants kids and/or seems flighty and dishonest.  That woman might make you happy in the short term, but in the long run she’s bound to make you crazy.  Or the beautiful, honest woman whose goal in life is to be a stay-at-home-mom, but who is vehemently against alcohol and drugs, hates violent sports, has a very low libido, wants to trade in your sports car for a minivan, and is a terribly dull conversationalist.  That woman may seem like she’s “good for you,” but will it be worth sacrificing all your favorite things?

It is also not a list meant to make it impossible to meet someone.  I repeat: this is someone you will probably never meet.  Instead, it is intended to give you standards which will make you both more attractive to a potential mate (being selective is attractive) and also keep you from making a mistake.

It should also be noted that mistakes are very valuable and you should not discount the fact that people do change, and that you can help people to change (see #2 below), so this list should not restrict you from following a strong feeling to explore further with someone, or even to fall in love.  If it doesn’t work, you will find you have probably grown and so have they, and you can move on to someone else that fits your list (which may now need revising) even better.

This may seem obvious, but it only seems that way now, reading it without the pressure of someone’s desire for you burning into your head.

Write it down, and refer to it.
Let’s delve into the second item now (2&4 above):

You love someone because of your value to them.

This is an active concept.

Adam’s feelings of love increase based on Adam doing things for Eve, to help Eve, to make Eve happy, to grow the whole relationship and to create amazing stories with Eve.

Adam’s feelings of love increase based on how much he creates and nurtures the relationship more than anything else.  

It is not that it is wrong to focus on what someone can do for you.  It is a natural consideration actually, survival dictates this kind of focus and almost every form of media poses that self-interest is the most important selling point for any product or service.  I am personally all for self-interest.  But let us not conflate that with what makes us happiest.  Artists and parents know better.  They know that creations and children (another kind of creation) are so precious to them not because of what the artwork or the child does for them, but because of the energy and care they have put into creating, nurturing and helping grow or change their creation.

The trick here is to view a relationship as your work of art.  To see it as something you enjoy putting effort into.

In most models, people find love strained after a few years.  Many have heard 18 months.  One study said 2.568 years.

There is a natural assumption that follows from this about the length of time needed to get a child into and out of a womb and safely strapped for travel.  Or the lazier amongst them assume the oxytocin drop is the cause rather than the effect of such a drop in interest.

This is such a problem that some scientists have taken to the idea that a love vaccine might help stave off cheating after love has gone.  Doctor Elaine Hatfield takes a slightly more rational approach stating, “The prevailing wisdom was that passionate love would last for a few years and then companionate love would grow, but it also declines,” She adds that it tends to decline at the same rate as romantic love, and generally never stops declining.  Later she explains that commitment often increases in spite of that.

I am here to say that the initial model of love is what is wrong in most cases.  In fact, it is the focus on only 1&3 above to the exclusion of 2&4 that lead to this dropping of interest and the frittering of love.

Effort is usually the missing link, and a lack of effort is, likely, the actual reason for the drop in oxytocin.  Though a study proving this would be fundamentally impossible, the anecdotal experiences of the oldest couples in the world show a consistent philosophy of effort and focus on the other partner and the relationship itself from both partners.

Often the model is for one partner, usually Adam, to put forth most of the effort and the other partner, generally Eve, to enjoy the effort as though it were a show or a carnival ride.  Then Eve rewards or pays for Adam’s carnival ride with affection (often limited at first in order to increase her perceived value), sex, then tenderness, kindness, comfort and so forth, so long as the effort and rides keep coming.  It is a 1&3 model where the focus is on what someone can get and #2 is usually being done in order to fulfill social expectation in order to get 1.  (Please note though the male and female roles are most commonly in these positions respectively, it certainly happens with all genders and orientations in all manner of configurations.)

This “enjoy the ride” mentality of relationships is engendered by countless television shows and movies that simultaneously place women in the position of both prize and audience, adorable weaklings whose attempts at strength are to be nurtured as you would a child’s, but not expected.  The truth many of us know is that women are strong and capable, and making things easy for them doesn’t do them any favors.

If Adam were to be putting in effort, not to buy affection, but instead to create the relationship he envisions (especially if he had done a “Somnia Femina” above so he knew what he wanted in a relationship) then he would feel very strongly about every single milestone he helped to create.  It would have been nurtured from the start.

If Eve did the same, she would feel the same, and by being expected to do the same she will also be being told that she is respected for the strength and capability that she really has.  She then gets to enjoy creating something amazing and fun too.

But the real beauty comes when they are doing this together, when they both agree on the ideal relationship and both spend energy to create it like a work of art, asking for change when it is needed, enacting changes that are required, making sacrifices, etc.  Creating grand displays of affection that require tremendous planning is a great idea, not only because both the planning and event create more love, but because it then becomes a story that is referred back to and remembered as proof of love.  Love is referential to itself.

Those stories are essential to a lasting feeling, and to the compelling part of the art project that is your relationship.  Sadly, there is usually only one storywriter, but ideally both people should consider that an essential part of their role in the relationship.  Grand romantic gestures by both sides give monumental momentum to the relationship.  The gesture does not need to be huge every time, though every relationship would do well to have both sides artistically and creatively putting together something like this from their own personal determination at least once every decade.

Even the smaller romantic gestures should have some personal touch to them, some artistry.  Remember these gestures are memorable because of their narrative weight.  They evoke love by linking the story of the moment to the hope, dreams and existing stories you both share as to what romance looks like.   As stated at the beginning, that is how love is intensified.

And let’s not forget the simplicity of help.  Simply noticing that something is needed and providing it without asking or being asked is the easiest way to grow a mutual relationship.   Your focus should be to attempt to grow the relationship and connection as much as you can.  Help should never be offered as a means of trade, but rather as a way to continually improve upon your creation.  The gestures should always feel like art projects and never feel like currency spent to buy affection, or to appease an unsatisfied partner.

The model is total mutual agreements on what the relationship should look like, then focused effort by both sides to create it, brave efforts to grow, repair or improve anything needed to achieve it, along with efforts both grand and small to make it narratively interesting so that the story of your relationship adds beauty to it.   It doesn’t matter what gender, orientation, or how big or small your relationship is.  This applies to two people in a monogamous relationship or 5 in a polyamorous relationship.   All that is required is to grow the love to something more serious, stable and permanent.

This model is far in excess of what is necessary, many relationships get by on much much less;  that said, nothing in the model is extraneous.  If it is followed, your relationship will become a synergistic masterpiece that gives more energy back than the amount of energy you expend.   It is designed to create feelings of romance and love that make you giddy and excited about the person.

Here’s the rub:  This method will also lead to early detection of incompatibilities.  You are finding out early on whether or not you are compatible  because you’re putting energy into creating.  You have the vision of the ideal relationship in your head and you’re painting that picture.  But soon you realize that your partner doesn’t really like the painting as much as you thought.  S/he refuses to paint with you at all or suddenly starts using a color you thought you both hated.  You are being active in creating something based on agreements.  If you can’t reach agreements, you’ll find out quickly.  You may find it difficult to abandon the project — after all there is satisfaction in overcoming challenge.  However, I strongly recommend that you return to your description of your ideal partner and make your decision based on empirical evidence of compatibility rather than the emotional urge to hang on.

On the flip side, if you are compatible, the relationship may just last forever, and even if it doesn’t, it will feel incredibly fulfilling to both sides, will not feel like work, will feel ever romantic and will last a long time.

The Oxytocin will runneth over.

It’s not an exact science.  In fact, it should be like art.  The artist has an idea of what he’s painting, but the evolution of his art is beautiful and surprising.  Love requires narrative, power, directed creation, and commitment to your own values.  Any one of these, if missing, will be noticed, but together they are the ingredients for an ideal relationship.

And that’s how to love.

Why Science? And how it can actually help the Pickup Artist community.

 

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I understand the confusion.  Science is, after all, incredibly incompetent when it comes to helping people with social problems.  Psychology has been around for over a hundred years and it’s really infantile in its efficacy.  For all its expansive theory, Psychology has rarely improved upon the “ear of an empathic insightful friend.”  And when it has, it is always an empathic insightful therapist armed with scientific knowledge that did the trick.  So Why Science?

So, the real problem is not that science has nothing to offer, the real problem is the application of science as a source for a solution instead of a tool for a solution.

What is needed to solve a social dilemma (let’s limit it to that, since that’s what we do) is someone perspicacious enough to apply science as a tool. This is noticeably lacking and very needed. Sadly, many Pick Up Artists are still using the nonsensical and completely fallacious evolutionary psychology. And they use it mostly as marketing.

Meanwhile, real science applied to love and romance can completely demystify it, tell you the real reasons you feel scared and take a lot of that fear away.

Most people don’t need to be told “don’t stand too close” (proxemics), “look them in the eyes” (occulesics), “alter your vocal pitch” (prosody) and “stand up straight” (kinesics).”  And so why do we need fancy scientific words that focus on those things?  Because many people going for more advanced social skills do need to be told “altering your proximity in conversation can create sexual tension” (proxemics), “looking away is as important as eye contact” (occulesics), “vocal pitch can be used to close distance” (prosody), and “how you hold your head influences how people see you more than anything else in the first few seconds of an interaction” (kinesics).

Perhaps most importantly, we as a society need to change how we are interacting with strangers.

Most of our social conditioning is designed to distance ourselves from others and find justifications to avoid other people.

It prevents us from seeing that the nerdy guy who is being a little bit rude is just losing his words because he’s nervous, and the cocky dude who’s being a little too loud is probably just terrified.

This is not to say that those are the people that you need to spend your time on, but there’s no reason to stop a conversation with them when a little bit of calm, fearless, and skilled social attention could change their lives.  And possibly yours.

We have helped hundreds of well-meaning socially awkward folks find love with people who would NEVER have looked at them twice and the retention rate of their relationships are about double the national average.  What that tells me (and I confess this is not very scientific) is that there are a lot of people out there passing up a lot of really good opportunities.

Science exists with its incredibly rigorous and exacting methodologies for a very good reason. To avoid the cognitive biases that you and I aren’t even aware that we have. 

These biases are not only impossible to avoid otherwise, most people don’t bother because those biases are what actually make marketing effective.

But it’s a rejection of pseudoscience like “a woman needs a guy to impregnate her so she will seek out a male who looks like he can protect her” that make me so passionate about extricating all of it from any PUA methodology.  It is all evopsych nonsense.

I used to be an evopsych devotee until I learned just how much completely made up hogwash there is in it.

It’s not that evopsych is totally wrong. It’s that it can’t be called totally right.  And since polarized thinking is the most common form of cognitive bias trying to help someone differentiate what is and isn’t good science in it is basically impossible. For example, the desire for impregnation plays a role in womens decisions to an unknown (and ever fluctuating) degree and the desire for someone to protect them is equally fluctuating.  This kind of pseudoscience is unnecessary to explain what is happening between men and women (or any pair bonding individuals of any gender).  So why even bother with it?

I am not trying to undercut the Pickup Artist community with this.  I am actually just trying to save them from their own PR nightmare and the slow dwindling into oblivion that they are currently suffering from. I certainly am not claiming I can do it all myself.  But I helped create The Attractive Arts to do my part.

We all know that some PUAs are misogynists, not because they have a reason to hate women but because when you gamify attraction you create an us vs them model that glorifies misogyny. If you want to study some science on this, study symbolic convergence theory.

This is where you get PUAs like Jeffy Jeff Allen, who should already been socially ostracized in every PUA circle in order to avoid the PR nightmare that is this very deserved article.

Mystery on the other hand is a scholar turned rogue, I love the guy. He genuinely loves women and even though he came up with the caveman evopsych nonsense about approach anxiety.  What he teaches to people both works and can be applied ethically. He has also influence the PUA community more than any other PUA and he now sets an example of reformed ethics in Pick Up that people can be proud of.  He deserves a lot of credit.

Vince Kelvin, a great natural presence teaching game on a level most can’t grasp but anyone who can, really could have their lives changed. He might be my favorite.  He is unapologetically sex focused yet incredibly ethical and honest.  A role model for others.

So there are lots of great PUAs out there, we are just trying to add a dynamic to it that we think is needed and fits our particular gifts. We are scientists by nature and two of our staff are PhDs.  We think we bring something that can allow the PUA community to remain as successful as ever without resorting to making men and women play against each other.  It can be totally divorced from all sexism and be totally oriented towards simple, natural, honest connection without any neediness.

 Our passion is to create a real way for people to stop being strangers, make friends, get jobs and get laid without regrets in the morning.

We are doing our part by applying actual science, avoiding unnecessary polarizing of women and creating a philosophical framework to attraction technology that is divorced from flashy propaganda.  It’s not designed as a dogma, we are happy when we are proven wrong and adopt new ideas quickly.

We hope this clears up future questions about why we focus so much on science in our approach and our viewpoint and connection to the Pickup Artist community.

Power vs. Passion

“Ava, I’m screwed. I like this girl more than she likes me,” laments the adorable soft-butch lesbian on the phone.

“What gives you that impression?” I ask, never one to take such declarations at face value.

“I almost always contact her first, and do most of the talking. I compliment her all the time, and she rarely reciprocates. I got her more for Christmas than she got me. I’m always super affectionate with her, and she’s only sometimes that way with me. Usually just when we’re in bed together.”

“What do you think would happen if you pulled back a bit? Contacted less, said less, gave less, showed less affection?”

“Well, I tried that, actually.”

“And?”

“And it sucked. I mean, she did pretty much what she always does, and I was doing less, so I guess it was more… even. But it also meant there was just less emotion going around. And I just started to feel sort of… empty and sad.”

“Because being effusive and affectionate with someone feels good.”

“Exactly!”

  • She had hit upon a discovery it took me 30+ years to make: that when it comes to romance, there is an inverse relationship between passion and power, between emotional safety and emotional satisfaction.

You see, it is a fact of human nature that showing less interest, affection, commitment, etc.—in short, being less passionate and emotionally invested—gives you more power in a relationship. The less you care, the more you control. But there is another, equally important piece of this equation: you get what you give, emotionally speaking. So the more you care, the more satisfying the relationship will feel to you.

On the Passionate end of the spectrum, people are quick to emotionally invest. They fall hard and fast, are quick to trust, wear their heart on their sleeve, and shower their loved ones in affection. The major benefit of being Passionate is the giddy enjoyment of the highest highs that romance has to offer: the ecstasy of sensual and emotional abandon. The major drawback, of course, being the other side of that coin: the devastating lows of heartbreak, betrayal, and rejection.

On the Powerful end, people are more reserved with their affections. They are slow to trust, slow to show their feelings, and less likely to offer unsolicited validation. They are the first to run, the first to reject, and the last to say “I love you.” The major benefit of being Powerful–aside from power itself–is the avoidance of deep pain. The major drawback is the incidental avoidance of deep pleasure.

Furthermore, in most relationships one partner will gravitate toward Passionate and one will err on the side of Powerful. At times they will even trade roles. And there’s a good reason for that.

Passionate + Passionate = codependence. Both partners care SO MUCH that they are consumed by the relationship, prioritize it over everything, including their own sanity. A relationship entrenched on the Passionate end of the spectrum often exists, and ultimately ends, in a cloud of drama so thick that no one outside the dyad can penetrate it, and occasionally devolves into violence.

Powerful + Powerful = stalemate. Nobody makes any moves, nobody takes any risks, and eventually it just sort of disintegrates into a puff of mutual “meh.”

As I told my client (once we had established that the relationship was, in fact, well-balanced in other areas),

“You’re the Passionate partner this time around. Embrace that. Make peace with it. Enjoy the ride and let her enjoy the comfort and security of the Power position.”

There is no shame in taking either position. Both are needed in a balanced, functional relationship. But remember that you are not confined to one end of the spectrum, and that there are benefits and drawbacks to both positions. I believe everyone can benefit from giving the role they normally shun a go, if for no other reason than to appreciate more deeply the benefits they receive from their usual role.

Indeed, the closer you can both come to the center, the healthier the relationship will become, and the more deeply you will both understand what the other is risking/sacrificing in order to maintain that delicate balance.

 

I <3 Drama

Drama. Games. Players.

These have practically become dirty words in the dating realm. And Drama is the queen of the dirty dating words.

We’ve all seen the righteous declarations/demands in online dating profiles and personals ads: “No drama!” “100% drama free.” We’ve probably even heard them on first dates. But what does it really mean to be “drama free”? What do these people mean when they say they don’t want any “drama”?

As a real live doctor of Drama (I got my PhD in Dramatic Arts), I know damn well that, in reality, people LOVE drama. At least, they love watching it happen to someone else. If they didn’t, there would be no dramatic films, no reality T.V., no daytime television of any kind. In fact, without dramatic tension there would be very little in the way of entertainment, period. Books, movies, video games, TV… anything that tells a story relies heavily on a problem to be solved.

Without a central crisis, there is no story.

And since we all like to tell stories, and to think of ourselves as leading interesting lives, it follows that we actually enjoy drama when it happens to us, too. In retrospect, anyway.

The same is true of games.People LOVE to play games. Yet, when it comes to dating, the same people who organize board-game nights and volunteer for intramural sports will earnestly declare that they HATE “game-playing.”

Trust me on this one: you don’t actually want NO drama, NO games, NO tension whatsoever. As a dating and relationship coach, I can tell you that a certain amount of tension is absolutely required to make a courtship feel worthwhile. If there are no risks and no stakes, then there is no sense of value to the relationship. There has to be some kind of barrier to overcome, some delay of gratification, however slight, in order for the reward to feel like a reward rather than part of the background to be taken for granted. If there are no lows, then there are effectively no highs, either.

In short, even if you manage to find someone with no baggage, no issues, no drama of any kind, I guarantee you that you would eventually either die of boredom or run off with someone who makes you feel more “alive.” But I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Because the truth is that

your odds of ending up in a genuinely drama-free relationship are about on par with your odds of ending up alive in the belly of a giant whale. Which, coincidentally, is almost as boring as being in a 100% drama-free relationship. Almost.

So what do people really mean when they say the don’t want drama or games? They mean that they don’t want abusive, fucked-up, dysfunctional people in their lives. 

We’ve all dealt with them. Some of us have even been them.

You know: the emotional vampires, the crisis-magnets, the guilt-trippers, the irrationally jealous ragers, the sexual sociopaths, the pathological liars, the stalkers, the shit-talkers, et al.

THESE are the characters, and the accompanying scenarios, people are really trying to avoid when they use words like “drama” and “games.” What they mean is that they want someone who is going to take responsibility for their own lives and their own emotions, who isn’t going to be a blame factory or a consistent drain of energy and resources. Someone who will give as much as they take, and who can offer security and stability in addition to passion and excitement.

Basically, when someone says they don’t want drama, they mean they don’t want so much drama that it overshadows everything else. They mean they don’t want the kind of drama that is toxic and will choke out and poison all other relationships and sources of happiness in their lives. And when they say they don’t want games, they mean the kind of games they have no chance of winning, the kind that are played without their consent, and at their expense.

So from now on, I hope you will no longer endeavor to be “drama-free.” I hope instead that you will seek out the drama that amuses and delights you rather than that which drains and degrades you. I hope you will endeavor to bring the right kind, and the right amount, of drama to a relationship.

And I hope that when you play games (and you WILL play games) that you make sure everybody walks away feeling like a winner.

 

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