Seattle

How to love

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She left him but a note.  

“Dear Adam,

Life has lost its flavor since those days in the Garden.  We used to do a lot of crazy shit, eating Dad’s food without permission, traipsing around wearing nothing but our birthday suits, letting your “snake” convince me to do things I shouldn’t.   But since we’ve moved, the excitement is gone,  you just don’t seem to try anymore.  I still love you, but I’m not in love with you.  

Goodbye Adam.

-Eve”

I have dealt with a great deal of confusion from people over the years on the subject of love.  Specifically with people who either don’t know if they are in love, don’t know if they want to be in love, or don’t know if they ever will be in love.

The standard advice is that love is felt, when you know that you are in love and you are certain of it, then you are.  If you are questioning whether you are in love, the smart money is on getting out of that situation because if you were really in love you would “just know.”

I am here to tell you why that’s wrong.  I’m here to tell you how to love.

 

That statement itself poses a problem for most people.  Love is the last bastion of safety from a world seeking to codify and categorize things.   For someone to say they figured it out demystifies it, and that ruins it.  And I agree with that, it does ruin it.  I am not looking to do that at all, I am simply attempting to avoid the appeal-to-nature of the “you’ll just feel/know it” argument while not falling victim to my own naturalist fallacy.

What I am trying to do is help those of you who may have doubt about love.  Are you really in love?  Can you do anything to make it feel stronger?  Can you save a strained love?

There are answers to these questions, and those answers come when you learn a skill.
How to love.

And that’s what we’re going to learn how to do now.  

Love is a feeling you get that intensifies with relatable experiences.

This simply means that you have things you relate to with another person, then you have experiences orbiting around those things, then you have experiences that relate to past experiences and it is intensified if those experiences relate to your ideas, dreams, hopes and especially stories about partnership.  That is how the feeling of love is created.

Here’s an example.  So, Adam meets Eve and they both say, “wow, we both really enjoy gardens.” Because they are compatible they have some experiences around gardens (perhaps they plant a garden, frolic in a garden, or eat some fruit).  Adam knows about Eve’s love of gardens so he will choose to do things for her that are garden-related (a wedding in a garden, a garden party, etc).

Those are the relatable experiences that makes love intensify.  What makes it romantic is the way you narratively frame it, the way Adam arranges events in their lives that reflect on the story of Eve’s life, and vice versa.  Maybe you grew up in a family that gardened and it was a place that witnessed many loving moments, or just simple comfort.  Or maybe a garden symbolizes growth and fertility for her, and if so that’s her narrative frame for gardens.  The number of past positive stories that Eve can relate to revolving around gardens will intensify the feeling of love.  And the number of those stories that feel romantic or sexual will increase romance for Eve.

So if you care about similar things and then create interesting memories together that relate to those things you care about and do so with affection.  You’ll feel love naturally.  But while most people think that happens naturally, it often takes work to ensure its success.  Because life makes us busy, the effort you have to spend is often just about finding time to write the stories that make the memories.

The focus on how to love is the key then.  And that is broken down into two very distinct categories.

The first is value to you and the second is value to your partner.  Essentially, what they have that you relate to and want, but also what you provide to them that they relate to and want.

The first is responsive, you need only sit back and watch what they do for you and how many things they do that make you smile, give you a warm-fuzzy feeling, turn you on, and so forth.

The second is active.  And this is the tricky part for most people, because it defies normal convention and almost seems backwards in its thinking.  But I promise you, nothing could be more important.  Nearly everyone has been taught to believe that in order to do one’s part in a relationship one simply continues to do whatever it was they were already doing in life that attracted their mate in the first place.

 

So, when we break down the areas of how we actually create love, there are four important actions we must look at.  

  1. What Adam wants that Eve provides
  2. What Adam does to create a relationship that Eve benefits from
  3. What Eve wants that Adam provides
  4. What Eve does to create a relationship that Adam benefits from

It is true that 1&4 overlap and 2&3 overlap.  This is because it is a relationship, and synergy is to be expected.

But the reason they are kept separate is because (and here’s another surprising concept, and you’re going to think I made a typo), Adam is fully responsible for 1&2, while Eve is fully responsible for 3&4.  How could Adam be fully responsible for what he wants that Eve provides?!  Keep reading, you’ll see.

First, there are tricks to both.  Most relationships are just 1&3 and that is often enough for love to last a while.  Doing 2&4 as well is where you might find a story book romance that lasts a lifetime.
So, how would Adam go about doing BOTH 1&2?

Since #1 is responsive, the only thing you need to do is have straight in your mind what you value AND align those values with your own ethics.

But you have to do that in a place of distance from your feeling about someone.  The truth is that feelings come before thought.   A person has a feeling, then a thought will zoom in that tells the person why they are having that feeling.  Then something very strange can happen, the person will often think that the thought happened first because that makes the feeling rational.  If you want cake then you might get a thought justifying you to eat cake.  You might remember how good you have been recently and completely ignore the fact that the desire for cake came before that thought did.

So while a person may make you feel amazing, that could be because they gave you a smile at just the right moment, drugs when you were desperate, wore clothes that reminded you of your dad, were desperate or needy enough to not threaten you, were different from your last partner in some key aspect, gave you a romantic gesture that made you feel wonderful, and so forth.  But your feeling WILL be paramount if you have no prior system to identify a mate.  You may fall in love with someone and feeling will actually direct your mind to justify the feeling with thoughts that make it seem rational.

Imagine Stella just getting on a bus when she notices that she is missing the correct change in her purse and just as the bus driver is about to kick her off a man leans over and winks at her putting coins in the jar and while doing so says to the bus driver, “It’s a good thing the machine does the math for you.”  He gives a big smile to Stella who is overwhelmed by the charming and dashing gesture.  She sits across from him and thinks to herself.  “That comment WAS accurate I guess.”  Now Stella is the kind of woman who hates it when people are rude to others.  But because she had such positive emotions about this man she justifies his action and then puts it out of her mind.  She thinks she is being rational when in fact she just violated her own ethics.  This of course is the culprit for all number of shocking relationships that everyone (except the couple in question) is very aware should not be happening.  Without a set of values already written down that one can refer back to, the tidal wave of emotion that happens in a new relationship can set up a pattern of justifying thinking that can lead to a slippery slope where someone can stay through even abusiveness.

That said, #2 above was also being given energy and effort, a lot of the irrational justifications you allowed yourself to believe would be brought to light, but we will get into #2 in a moment.

Knowing what you value and what your ethics are is often a matter of trusting yourself.

It is better to do this when you are not in a relationship and did not recently get out of one.  If that isn’t possible, I recommend isolating yourself from your current relationship for as much time as is feasible (a week or two is usually sufficient).  Then you simply write a list of things that are important to you and categorize them. Here is a simplified version of the exercise I give to my clients:

  1. Things that make me happy:
  2. Things that help me survive better:
  3. Things that don’t fit into the above that I know I value:

Anything that is both in A and B are especially important but they all may be important and it’s really up to you to decide what order they go in for you.  All you need to know is that things that both help you survive and make you happy are usually the things that you keep on the list the longest.

Then write down what your ideal mate would be.  Write this one by hand, and leave it in a prominent location.  For this you should be very explicit and very strict with yourself.  This is someone you will never meet probably.  I call this list “Somnia Femina” which is a Latin bastardization of “dream girl.”  If you are into men you could label it “Somnia Vir.” “Somnia Persona” is the best you will probably get if you want to leave the gender ambiguous.

If you can, order all the lists in order of importance.

You can revise this list but before you do, please read through this list of cognitive biases and realize that everyone is susceptible to them.  I am, you are, your super intelligent boyfriend is, your dad, your mom, your teacher, your shrink, everyone.  Some more so than others but what is constant is that these biases are the most influential when you are upset or in some way motivated by emotions.  If you are in a fight or just out of one, or if Prince Charming just saved your life, do not revise your list then.  Trust yourself when you were more rational and allow the list to influence who you fall in love with.  Find someone that matches your values.

Here is an example.

Adam’s list (this is an actual list used with permission):

  1. Things that make me happy: Beer, hockey, fast cars, hot women, money, my dog, law school, pot, yearly charity drive, intelligent conversation, sex
  2. Things that help me survive better: Money, law school, food, air, good decisions, pragmatism
  3. Things that don’t fit into the above that I know I value: Love, attention, dedication

Somnia Femina: Wants children, stay at home wife, beautiful, somewhat smart, happy, honest, dedicated, clean, takes care of herself, healthy, no history of cancer in her family.

He then needs to remember this list and reflect on it when he meets Eve.  It’s not meant to rule you, of course. If Eve hates dogs but is a beautiful honest woman who wants to marry and raise children, plus she loves beer, hockey, fast cars, then you might be ok with letting go of the dog.  The point is to avoid falling in love with the woman who likes beer, hockey & fast cars but says she never wants kids and/or seems flighty and dishonest.  That woman might make you happy in the short term, but in the long run she’s bound to make you crazy.  Or the beautiful, honest woman whose goal in life is to be a stay-at-home-mom, but who is vehemently against alcohol and drugs, hates violent sports, has a very low libido, wants to trade in your sports car for a minivan, and is a terribly dull conversationalist.  That woman may seem like she’s “good for you,” but will it be worth sacrificing all your favorite things?

It is also not a list meant to make it impossible to meet someone.  I repeat: this is someone you will probably never meet.  Instead, it is intended to give you standards which will make you both more attractive to a potential mate (being selective is attractive) and also keep you from making a mistake.

It should also be noted that mistakes are very valuable and you should not discount the fact that people do change, and that you can help people to change (see #2 below), so this list should not restrict you from following a strong feeling to explore further with someone, or even to fall in love.  If it doesn’t work, you will find you have probably grown and so have they, and you can move on to someone else that fits your list (which may now need revising) even better.

This may seem obvious, but it only seems that way now, reading it without the pressure of someone’s desire for you burning into your head.

Write it down, and refer to it.
Let’s delve into the second item now (2&4 above):

You love someone because of your value to them.

This is an active concept.

Adam’s feelings of love increase based on Adam doing things for Eve, to help Eve, to make Eve happy, to grow the whole relationship and to create amazing stories with Eve.

Adam’s feelings of love increase based on how much he creates and nurtures the relationship more than anything else.  

It is not that it is wrong to focus on what someone can do for you.  It is a natural consideration actually, survival dictates this kind of focus and almost every form of media poses that self-interest is the most important selling point for any product or service.  I am personally all for self-interest.  But let us not conflate that with what makes us happiest.  Artists and parents know better.  They know that creations and children (another kind of creation) are so precious to them not because of what the artwork or the child does for them, but because of the energy and care they have put into creating, nurturing and helping grow or change their creation.

The trick here is to view a relationship as your work of art.  To see it as something you enjoy putting effort into.

In most models, people find love strained after a few years.  Many have heard 18 months.  One study said 2.568 years.

There is a natural assumption that follows from this about the length of time needed to get a child into and out of a womb and safely strapped for travel.  Or the lazier amongst them assume the oxytocin drop is the cause rather than the effect of such a drop in interest.

This is such a problem that some scientists have taken to the idea that a love vaccine might help stave off cheating after love has gone.  Doctor Elaine Hatfield takes a slightly more rational approach stating, “The prevailing wisdom was that passionate love would last for a few years and then companionate love would grow, but it also declines,” She adds that it tends to decline at the same rate as romantic love, and generally never stops declining.  Later she explains that commitment often increases in spite of that.

I am here to say that the initial model of love is what is wrong in most cases.  In fact, it is the focus on only 1&3 above to the exclusion of 2&4 that lead to this dropping of interest and the frittering of love.

Effort is usually the missing link, and a lack of effort is, likely, the actual reason for the drop in oxytocin.  Though a study proving this would be fundamentally impossible, the anecdotal experiences of the oldest couples in the world show a consistent philosophy of effort and focus on the other partner and the relationship itself from both partners.

Often the model is for one partner, usually Adam, to put forth most of the effort and the other partner, generally Eve, to enjoy the effort as though it were a show or a carnival ride.  Then Eve rewards or pays for Adam’s carnival ride with affection (often limited at first in order to increase her perceived value), sex, then tenderness, kindness, comfort and so forth, so long as the effort and rides keep coming.  It is a 1&3 model where the focus is on what someone can get and #2 is usually being done in order to fulfill social expectation in order to get 1.  (Please note though the male and female roles are most commonly in these positions respectively, it certainly happens with all genders and orientations in all manner of configurations.)

This “enjoy the ride” mentality of relationships is engendered by countless television shows and movies that simultaneously place women in the position of both prize and audience, adorable weaklings whose attempts at strength are to be nurtured as you would a child’s, but not expected.  The truth many of us know is that women are strong and capable, and making things easy for them doesn’t do them any favors.

If Adam were to be putting in effort, not to buy affection, but instead to create the relationship he envisions (especially if he had done a “Somnia Femina” above so he knew what he wanted in a relationship) then he would feel very strongly about every single milestone he helped to create.  It would have been nurtured from the start.

If Eve did the same, she would feel the same, and by being expected to do the same she will also be being told that she is respected for the strength and capability that she really has.  She then gets to enjoy creating something amazing and fun too.

But the real beauty comes when they are doing this together, when they both agree on the ideal relationship and both spend energy to create it like a work of art, asking for change when it is needed, enacting changes that are required, making sacrifices, etc.  Creating grand displays of affection that require tremendous planning is a great idea, not only because both the planning and event create more love, but because it then becomes a story that is referred back to and remembered as proof of love.  Love is referential to itself.

Those stories are essential to a lasting feeling, and to the compelling part of the art project that is your relationship.  Sadly, there is usually only one storywriter, but ideally both people should consider that an essential part of their role in the relationship.  Grand romantic gestures by both sides give monumental momentum to the relationship.  The gesture does not need to be huge every time, though every relationship would do well to have both sides artistically and creatively putting together something like this from their own personal determination at least once every decade.

Even the smaller romantic gestures should have some personal touch to them, some artistry.  Remember these gestures are memorable because of their narrative weight.  They evoke love by linking the story of the moment to the hope, dreams and existing stories you both share as to what romance looks like.   As stated at the beginning, that is how love is intensified.

And let’s not forget the simplicity of help.  Simply noticing that something is needed and providing it without asking or being asked is the easiest way to grow a mutual relationship.   Your focus should be to attempt to grow the relationship and connection as much as you can.  Help should never be offered as a means of trade, but rather as a way to continually improve upon your creation.  The gestures should always feel like art projects and never feel like currency spent to buy affection, or to appease an unsatisfied partner.

The model is total mutual agreements on what the relationship should look like, then focused effort by both sides to create it, brave efforts to grow, repair or improve anything needed to achieve it, along with efforts both grand and small to make it narratively interesting so that the story of your relationship adds beauty to it.   It doesn’t matter what gender, orientation, or how big or small your relationship is.  This applies to two people in a monogamous relationship or 5 in a polyamorous relationship.   All that is required is to grow the love to something more serious, stable and permanent.

This model is far in excess of what is necessary, many relationships get by on much much less;  that said, nothing in the model is extraneous.  If it is followed, your relationship will become a synergistic masterpiece that gives more energy back than the amount of energy you expend.   It is designed to create feelings of romance and love that make you giddy and excited about the person.

Here’s the rub:  This method will also lead to early detection of incompatibilities.  You are finding out early on whether or not you are compatible  because you’re putting energy into creating.  You have the vision of the ideal relationship in your head and you’re painting that picture.  But soon you realize that your partner doesn’t really like the painting as much as you thought.  S/he refuses to paint with you at all or suddenly starts using a color you thought you both hated.  You are being active in creating something based on agreements.  If you can’t reach agreements, you’ll find out quickly.  You may find it difficult to abandon the project — after all there is satisfaction in overcoming challenge.  However, I strongly recommend that you return to your description of your ideal partner and make your decision based on empirical evidence of compatibility rather than the emotional urge to hang on.

On the flip side, if you are compatible, the relationship may just last forever, and even if it doesn’t, it will feel incredibly fulfilling to both sides, will not feel like work, will feel ever romantic and will last a long time.

The Oxytocin will runneth over.

It’s not an exact science.  In fact, it should be like art.  The artist has an idea of what he’s painting, but the evolution of his art is beautiful and surprising.  Love requires narrative, power, directed creation, and commitment to your own values.  Any one of these, if missing, will be noticed, but together they are the ingredients for an ideal relationship.

And that’s how to love.

The 10 dating mistakes you’ve probably made (yes, you!) Part 2

The countdown continues! Here are the top 5 dating mistakes you’ve probably made (along with everybody else)…

5 – You bragged. Once upon a time, I was on a date with a ridiculously hot Australian model. She was half Maori, half Italian, and completely gorgeous. She was also smart, and worldly, and had most recently dated Laurence Fishburne. Yes, that Laurence Fishburne.

Suffice it to say that I was a bit intimidated by her. So, on this date, I knew it was imperative that I impress her. I had to “be excellent” as Dex puts it in The Tao of Steve. When she asked me to tell her a little bit about myself, I brought out the big guns. I told her I had just been awarded a prestigious Fulbright scholarship and would soon be headed to West Africa to study Francophone African Theatre. Before I had the chance to list any other accomplishments, I could see that I had lost her. She tightened her lips, and looked up and away. I recognized my mistake immediately: Not only was I blatantly bragging, I was bragging about something that meant nothing to her.

I may as well have said, “I recently made a dollhouse out of blueberry pop tarts.” In fact, she probably would’ve been more impressed if I had.

“But for now I’m still just an actress/waitress/belly-dancer,” I quickly added.

Now her eyes brightened. “Ballet dancer? Like a ballerina you mean?”

“No, no, a belly dancer. Like this:” and I proceeded to break into “snake arms” right there at the table. She was instantly charmed (pun intended), and I managed to pull out of my braggart tail-spin with no time to spare.

  • I had forgotten one of the cardinal rules of attraction: show, don’t tell.

Obviously, the most preferable way to do this is to actually perform some impressive feat, or show off one of your more excellent skills or traits in front of your date. But since that isn’t always possible, a close second is to convey the evidence of your awesomeness verbally via DHV. In fact, demonstrating high value without bragging is one of the most important tools in an attraction artist‘s metaphorical toolbag. Here are some tried-and-true tricks for conveying a really juicy accomplishment:

  • – Sneak it into an unrelated story. “Anything but the gumbo for me. I can’t stand okra. When I was in Africa doing my Fulbright, I had to eat that slimy stuff every morning for breakfast. Yech.”
  • – Trick your date into asking the right question. Had I said to the hot Aussie: “Sorry, my voice is a little hoarse. I was up all night celebrating.” Chances are, I would’ve gotten a “Celebrating what?” in return. Then I would’ve been totally justified in answering, “Oh, I just found out I got a Fulbright scholarship!”
  • – Complain about a positive. “Well, now I’ve got no excuse not to go back to school. I can’t really say no to a full-ride scholarship to the M.A./Ph.D. program at UC Santa Barbara, can I? Although I have no idea how I’m going to get any studying done living so close to the beach.”

4 – You grilled. No, I’m not referring to your barbecuing skills, although if your date got food poisoning after you made baby back ribs, then feel free to interpret the title both ways.

There is a fine line between an interview and an interrogation. While just about everybody appreciates a well thought-out question that offers an opportunity to show off a bit or give insight into the deeper self, nobody likes to feel put on the spot or hounded by a relentless stream of questions. Here are some tips on how to get your date to open up without making her/him feel like there will be a quiz later.

– Ask evocative, open-ended questions. Think essay questions rather than yes/no or multiple choice. A few examples:

  • “What is something you really want but have resigned yourself to never getting?”
  • “Tell me something you’re proud of.”
  • “If you could be anywhere, doing anything, where and what would it be?”

– Avoid questions that may incriminate your date. There will come a time when all the skeletons can come parading out of the closet, and you can go on a hunt for red flags, but all of that can wait for a date or two. Allow your date to give you the best possible impression up front, and trust that s/he will inform you in good time of any less-than-optimal details. General topics to avoid on a first date include: past relationships, criminal activity, drug or alcohol use, STI’s, income, living situation, political or religious affiliations…

  • Basically, if you wouldn’t necessarily want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.

– Avoid questions altogether by playing a guessing game. “Let me guess: you came from a big family? Lots of brothers and sisters?”

If you’re wrong, your date will happily correct you: “Nope, I’m an only child!”

And if you’re right? “Wow, how could you tell?”

3 – You hesitated. In the world of attraction, hesitation is deadly. When opportune moments present themselves, you have only seconds to take action, or risk landing in the friend zone permanently.

Another personal example: Back in high school, I had a huge crush on a soccer player whom I will call “Spike.” Spike was clearly into me, too, but never made a move. So, finally, as graduation loomed large on the horizon, I invited Spike to go hiking with me. There we were, just the two of us, sitting on a giant slab of pink granite, surrounded by nothing but gorgeous scenery for miles around. I lay myself down on the rock, wet my lips appealingly, and gazed up at Spike. Spike looked down at me, gave me a crooked grin, and…

And nothing. She just sat there, grinning at me, and not coming any closer. For what felt like an eternity. Until finally, bored and vaguely humiliated, I got up and started hiking again.

On the hike back, I questioned everything. Maybe it was just wishful thinking that the crush was mutual? Maybe Spike wasn’t even into girls? By the time we got back to Spike’s car, I had already mourned the loss of her affection.

“That was really fun,” Spike chirped, dropping me off at my place, “we should do that again sometime!”

But we never did. Because the truth is, I had already reassigned Spike to the role of “friend” in my mind.

Years later, during a chance encounter on the Pearl St. Mall while visiting my hometown of Boulder, Spike confessed to having desperately wanted to kiss me that day, and being deeply disappointed that a second date never materialized. *facepalm*

Having learned from Spike’s mistake, a couple of years after that, when the object of my affections (who, for various ethical reasons, could not make the first move) took me for a picnic on a deserted beach, and lay down next to me, and–that’s right–licked his lips, I went for it. I kissed those pre-moistened lips, and then I pulled away to gauge his reaction.

“Did that just happen?” he whispered. I nodded, and he kissed me back with twice the force of the initial kiss.

The moral of the story is: be bold, be brave, take chances.

Which brings me to number 2…

2 – You played it safe. So you got all dolled up, and you took your date to a nice restaurant for a delicious meal, and then you went to see a funny and touching Rom Com, which you both enjoyed. You avoided all the aforementioned pitfalls, and when it was all said and done, you even got a goodnight kiss. So, why didn’t you get a second date?

Sometimes, doing everything “right” just isn’t enough.  Sometimes you have to throw away the playbook and do something entirely unexpected. 

  • I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there can be no sexual tension without tension.

How do you insert tension into an encounter? Put less focus on creating comfort, and more on creating excitement. Here are some specific tips on creating a fun, tension-laden first date:

  • – Be spontaneous. Change the venue at the last minute, or spring-board off of the first venue into a second, unforeseen excursion.
  • – Make it a game. Maybe your entire date is actually a scavenger hunt, or maybe your conversation is ruled by some arbitrary improv rule such as “every sentence must begin with a successive letter of the alphabet.” Or maybe you spend the evening making up dialogue for other couples at faraway tables. Anything that injects a bit of playful tension.
  • – Bring up controversial or slightly uncomfortable subjects. Nothing *too* upsetting (I would avoid politics, religion, and sexual-romantic traumas), and nothing too dark (the Holocaust is right out), just something that might take your date out of the usual first-date comfort zone. The goal here isn’t to piss your date off on purpose, but simply to let her/him know that you are a passionate person with strong opinions, and enough integrity not to change those opinions in the face of opposition.

The trick here is to pick a topic about which you are genuinely passionate. Are you deeply concerned over the rapid decline in bee populations? Seriously pissed off about Seattle traffic? Do you think pirating music over the internet steals from starving artists? The what is much less important than the fact that you care about it.

Note: this isn’t a license to be an ass. Be respectful of your date’s point of view, even if you strongly disagree. That way you’re not just creating good tension, you’re also displaying your ability to handle tension with diplomatic aplomb.

1 – You were forgettable. A girlfriend of mine once called me the day after a first date.

“How did it go?”  I asked.

“Fine.”

“Just fine?”

“No, better than fine. It was good. We had a nice time.”

“So, what was he like?”

There was a long pause. Finally, she admitted, “I don’t remember.”

You can’t get a second date with someone who barely remembers you. Any performer will tell you that the kiss of death at an audition is to blend into the background. At the end of the day, you need to be the one who sticks out in their minds.

So, how do you make yourself memorable? Yes, all the aforementioned techniques for creating tension will go a long way toward getting remembered. But there’s another element that is equally memory-triggering: contrast.

Your look, your voice, your physicality, and your conversation should all collude to paint a picture of a dynamic individual with a multi-layered personality that can’t be neatly summed up in just a few sentences.

If you have a generally clean-cut look, consider throwing in a hint of punk rock, say a fauxhawk, a spiked collar, or a tasteful piercing. If you’re a veritable tapestry of tattoos, wear something that goes against type, something classic with clean lines and plenty of buttons.

If you’re a computer programmer, consider taking up an altogether unexpected hobby, such as rock climbing or martial arts. If you’re a personal trainer, pick up a copy of Moby Dick and hit the NYT crosswords.

Teach to your weaknesses, embrace your contradictions, and advertise your quirks. Not only will it get you remembered, it’ll make you a more well-rounded human being.

Miss Giving: the female face of the “Nice Guy”™

Allow me to introduce you to a couple of female acquaintances of mine, “Marisa” and “Colleen.”

Marisa moved to Seattle from NYC last year. She’s nearly 6 feet tall, has eerily perfect café-au-lait skin, and makes her living as a model. She’s a stylish dresser, and she never leaves home without her hair and make-up expertly done. In short, she’s what the PUAs call a “10.”

Colleen, on the other hand, has lived here all her life. She’s 5’4”, curvy, wears geek-chic glasses, and hasn’t been spotted in anything other than jeans and a T-shirt (all-black or with some kind of sci-fi/RPG humor on it) since 1998 (and that was the flannel era). She’s a witty, approachable hipster chick, and sharper than the claws of her (count them) 3 cats.

What do these women have in common? They are constantly complaining to me that they can’t get a date, are too “giving” in their relationships, and that THERE ARE NO DECENT SINGLE MEN IN SEATTLE (!!).

Now, that last assertion we can discard immediately. As the Feb. 2007 issue of National Geographic was kind enough to point out, there are about 20,000 more single men than there are single women in the Seattle area. Now, that doesn’t mean there are 20,000 Mr. Rights wandering around the Emerald City, since, as “TheBachelor” puts it in this blog, “the odds are good but the goods are odd.” A lot of those “single men” are solely interested in other single men, or have already settled down with one.  And straight Seattle men are better known for their nerdy-quirky, caffeine-addicted personalities than they are for, say, a commitment to fitness and hygiene. Still, the fact remains that, statistically speaking, there *have* to be plenty of decent options out there for our two lovelorn ladies.

So, let’s examine the first complaint, that they “can’t get a date” here in Seattle.

Now, it would be easy enough to blame their empty dance cards on what’s known as “the Seattle Chill,” the unfortunately all-too-real phenomenon of Seattleites epidemically demurring from interaction with strangers. And I won’t pretend that isn’t a factor, particularly when you’re used to getting talked to, and, more to the point, hit on by strangers several times a day.

When Marisa first moved here, for example, she called a mutual friend in tears one night outside of a dance club in Belltown, asking, “Am I still attractive?” Not one man had approached her all evening, and she was genuinely beginning to question her own hotness. The friend assured her that not only was she still gorgeous, she was a little too perfect for the hipsters and code-monkeys cowering at the bar, too intimidated to even attempt to approach her.

But I’ve heard Colleen complaining that she rarely gets approached when she’s out and about as well. Once, at a bar on Capitol Hill, a dude in a pair of overalls, of all things, exchanged smiles with her for minutes without ever coming over.

“What was he waiting for?” she later asked, “a written invitation?!”

Again, the phenomenon is real. Seattle men are, as a whole, an easily-intimidated, not terribly well-socialized bunch. However, both of these women are now aware of that fact, and therefore have no excuse not to work with it, or at least around it.

I don’t know what rule book these ladies have been living by all these years, but it’s time to burn that fucker. If you want to go on dates, you have to interact with strangers. Period. And if strangers aren’t interacting with you, sitting back and complaining about it is in NO WAY a solution, or an absolution for not going and interacting with them.

Look, I get it. You want to be chased. And especially if you’ve put as much effort into looking amazing as Marisa has, you feel you deserve to be chased. And you feel completely justified in resenting the men who refuse to chase you, or who go about it all wrong, and placing the blame for your current condition squarely on their shoulders.

But here’s the thing:  you aren’t any more justified in resenting those men as they are justified in resenting women like you for being so darn difficult to approach. And, ironically, the more resentful you get, the less playful you become, thus making it more difficult and less enjoyable for anyone to approach you. It’s a nasty downward spiral of “justified” resentment that can only end in bitterness for all.

Making the first move is not the “job” of the man, or the butch, or ANYONE other than yourself. If you want something to happen, you MAKE IT HAPPEN. Period. If you don’t know how, you learn how. That’s your job. Just like it’s my job to teach it.

Meanwhile, that same M.O. of passive manipulation followed by resentment and martyrdom often continues well past the initial meeting.

For example: a while back, Colleen dated a guy for several months who needed a good deal of alone time. He was up-front about that from the beginning, and she said “no problem.”

Except that it was a problem. She told me over and over that she felt “shut-out” and “even more alone than when [she] was single.” I encouraged her to be honest with the guy about her needs, but she insisted that it was “a deal-breaker” for him and therefore not up for discussion.

Furthermore, rather than finding other things to do while he was holed up in his beloved man-cave, she volunteered to wait on him, bringing him Diet Cokes, rubbing his shoulders (and *ahem* other things) while he played video games, and so on. Her resentment built to the breaking point during the holiday season, when he eschewed parties and family meals in favor of a new first-person shooter. She snapped, went ballistic, and threw a PS3 at “that antisocial asshole.” And that, as they say, was that.

Colleen was convinced that she had been wronged. After all, she had been so “giving!” He should have known that she was unhappy and offered to make more of an effort at socializing. Right?

Wrong. She agreed to terms that were unacceptable to her, made them even less acceptable by martyring herself, and then freaked the fuck out to the point of physical violence. That’s not “giving.” That’s barely forgivable.

Meanwhile, Marisa has a nasty habit of dating married, recently widowed, or otherwise unavailable men. And even though she knows from the beginning that there can be no happy ending, that doesn’t stop her from wallowing in her misery like some sort of soap-opera heroine when the inevitable happens and he withdraws from her more or less permanently.

Women like Colleen and Marisa who pretend to have no needs of their own in order to “snag” a man are no better than the douchebags in “Nice Guy” clothing who pretend to be okay with being just friends in order to “bed” a woman. Both M.O.s are manipulative, dishonest, and ineffective.

That’s not being “too giving,” ladies. That’s being a piss-poor communicator and a champion blame-shifter.

I’m doing my part to get these Seattle fellas approaching you, and interacting with you in a way you will both enjoy. Will you pretty please do your part?

That means challenging yourself to stop “giving,” and start taking instead:

– Taking risks by approaching people you find attractive.

– Taking responsibility for how you want to be treated

– Taking care to communicate your needs, clearly and kindly

– Taking pleasure in each moment as it comes, rather than constantly worrying about “where this is going”

If not, there are plenty of “Nice Guys”™ out there with shoulders you can cry on. Just don’t be surprised when they turn around and go ballistic on you because you didn’t realize all that “giving” came with a price.

 

 

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