The Tao of Steve

How to address last minute resistance

What if I told you

One of the most controversial areas of attraction coaching is “LMR” technique, or how to overcome “Last Minute Resistance” to sex. And for good reason: while the language and ideology surrounding it are incredibly problematic and, well, “rape-y,” many of the techniques themselves are not only effective in creating a positive sexual experience for BOTH partners, they are actually powerful rape-prevention tactics. That’s right: if done correctly, the right LMR techniques make rape a virtual impossibility.

But first, let’s unpack what’s problematic about LMR. And there’s plenty…

The basic premise of LMR technique is this: you’re making out with a girl. It’s all going swell. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, she starts putting up resistance to the idea of actually having sex. LMR theory teaches you that 1. her resistance is triggered by an archaic biological response, and 2. it’s your job to help her overcome that knee-jerk response so y’all can get your sexy on.

Let’s start with #1: the notion that her resistance is hard-wired into her female “biology.” The way that LMR has been explained by the attraction community up to now is perfectly exemplified in this classic anti-LMR ad from PUA Gareth Jones:

(LMR) is the biology of women kick starting their last-ditch attempts at ASD (Anti-Slut Defense).

This is to say that instincts tell a girl that she’s not ready to have sex yet (after such a short period of time) because of all the hazards it presents to her mind and body:

1. Pregnancy

2. Abandonment

3. Social Repercussions (ie being called a slut)

Cydian has already written a brilliant article on slut shaming and what can you do to help women be more comfortable being sexually proactive and render the so-called “Anti-Slut Defense” obsolete, so I’ll skip right over that hot rhetorical mess.

Now then, let’s first acknowledge that this list of “hazards… to her mind and body” is A. entirely rational, and B. incomplete. Women are also at higher risk when it comes to sexually transmitted infections, sexual violence, stalking, abduction, etc., etc., etc. Indeed, Jones refers to these fears as “logical,” even as he describes LMR technique as “methods to get around that obsolete biological response.” So wait, the response is “biological,” (which in this context means hard-wired as opposed to thought-based), but the fears triggered by that response are logical? Mmmmkay.

Look, the reality is that a woman undertakes very real risks every time she has sex, particularly with a new partner. Even if your intentions are as pure as freshly-fallen snow (and let’s be honest, if you’re learning LMR technique they’re probably more like 3-day old snow piled up on the side of the road), even if you take all possible precautions, the risks to her are only reduced, not eliminated.  To dismiss her entirely legit concerns as an “obsolete biological response” is pure sexist bullshit.

“But,” I can hear some of you thinking from across the internetz, “what about irrational fears? Shouldn’t I help her overcome those?”

The truth is that there are are myriad reasons why a woman (or a man, for that matter) might suddenly start feeling and/or acting resistant to the idea of having sex, even after feeling/acting 100% on-board right up to that moment. There are as many reasons for resisting sex as there are reasons for desiring it. And the reason a woman gives for not wanting to have sex may or may not be the actual reason. She may not even be aware of the reason. But that doesn’t make it any less real or compelling for her.

And hey, some of those reasons may be for your benefit as much as for hers. Maybe she has an STI and is too embarrassed to tell you about it. Maybe she’s on her period and she doesn’t want her first time with you to look like a crime scene. Maybe she’s married and trying to keep her husband from coming after you with a gun. Maybe she’s just not that into you and trying to save you both some heartbreak. Maybe she’s far too into you and knows that once she seals the deal, she will never be able to let go, and is trying to save you from having to file a restraining order down the line. Maybe she’s a succubus. You just. don’t. know.

  • The bottom line is: any reasons a person may have for resisting sex, whether you or anyone else deems them rational or right, are valid reasons in the moment and should be respected as such.

Which brings us to #2. The idea that resistance to sex is an obstacle to be overcome, and that your job as a man is to rise to the challenge and talk her out of it, is kinda rapey. It’s based on two flawed premises: 1. your job as a man is to get sex from a woman (whose job it is to protect herself from the consequences of sex), and 2. any sex, even grudging, one-sided sex, is better than no sex.

  • And that, in a nutshell, is the mindset that makes rape culture possible.

Come on, guys! You’re better than that. You don’t need sex. Sure, sex is fun, but so are plenty of other things you could be doing together. So resistance to sex shouldn’t bother you any more than, say, resistance to going out to see a particular movie. Okay, so she’s not in the mood to watch Die Hard 7 right now. *shrug* Let’s see what else is showing.

Here’s what it all comes down to: 

  • The game is not to get women to sleep with you. The game is to get women to want to sleep with you.

The art of attraction is exactly that: it’s about inspiring attraction toward a particular person at a particular time. Because here’s something else that might blow your mind:

  • You don’t need to make a woman want sex. Women already want sex.

That said, you may need to inspire a woman to want to have sex with you, at this particular time and in this particular circumstance.

And how do you do that?

Here’s where the actual LMR technology comes in. And it turns out that a lot of it, despite being couched in the rhetorical awfulness we’ve just unpacked, is dead-on.

Let’s take a look at Jones’ 3-step approach:

STEP 1: Say NO to sex before she does! You’re in the drivers seat, not her!

[…]Pre-emptive measures are those that we dispense in order to combat even the thought of her needing to reject us.

For instance, if you tell a girl she has to sleep on the couch, or that you have work early in the morning, it will subconsciously register as a sort of rejection. […] In this case, I flat-out told her that I wouldn’t have sex with her because she’d already had too much to drink.

This is simply a more specific form of disqualification. You are disqualifying yourself as someone who is going to push a sexual agenda, thereby taking the pressure off of her to decide whether or not to accept your advances.

“But that’s dishonest!” some of you are probably thinking. And yeah, the specific tactics Jones lists here are kinda dishonest. But you don’t need to lie about your intentions in order for this tactic to work. You just need to change your intentions.

Instead of saying you have to go to work early, or that you think she’s too drunk to fuck, how about just letting her know that sex is not your #1 priority by expressing enthusiasm for something else you would genuinely enjoy doing.

Let’s say you’ve been making out all the way home. The moment you get in the door, she’s expecting the action to escalate. So instead, you say, “Oh hey, there’s this video you absolutely have to see!” or “I’m starving, let’s go make a snack,” or whathaveyou. Anything that takes pressure off and lets her know you’re not dead-set on getting laid tonight.

The more sincere the enthusiasm for the new activity, the more thorough the focus-shift, the more effective this tactic will be.

STEP 2: Show her that you’re NOT horny or desperate and she’ll be all over you!

This is the standard Freeze-Out Technique we’ve all read about in The Game, the purpose of which is to turn her on a bit and stop when she says no, leaving her, essentially, stewing in her own juices. […]

When she said “no“, I stopped, rolled over, and checked my phone.

She asked me, “You’re mad, aren’t you?

I replied, “No. I’m not mad, I just respect when a woman says no. Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight, anyway.

Big smile. She starts fooling around again.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

This one is all about attitude. And frankly I would argue that Jones was not quite nailing it if his Person In Question (PIQ) was in any way concerned that he was mad.

The key here is to back the fuck off both physically and emotionally. No pouting. No pressure of any kind. You simply accept, wholly and cheerfully, that sex is not happening right now. And you continue to enjoy her company.

And again, I’m not a fan of the disingenuous, “Don’t worry. We’re not having sex tonight.” You could just as easily say, “Don’t worry. I just love hanging out with you.” Or kissing you. Or cuddling with you. Or watching bad movies with you. Or whatever you actually enjoy doing with this person other than the horizontal mambo.

If, on the other hand, there is genuinely nothing you enjoy doing with her aside from getting your rocks off, then you need to aim higher, my friend. And you need to let her go find someone who values all that she has to offer.

“But what if she gives me a specific reason she’s putting the breaks on? Isn’t that my cue to offer a counter-point?”

Nope. It’s definitely your cue to listen and let her know she’s been heard, but not to Svengali her out of it. Now, you don’t have to agree with her reasoning, of course, but arguing will get you nowhere. The best way to assuage her fears and reassure her of your good intentions is by simply respecting her boundaries and treating her like someone who knows what the fuck she wants and doesn’t want.

That said, if you have additional data you think will help her make an informed decision, feel free to share it. Just realize that she is under no obligation to change her mind because of it.

“What if she says no, but everything about her body language and behavior runs counter to that no? Should I pay attention to her words or to her actions?”

You should pay attention to both, and you should back the fuck off. Because–and I’m going to say something now that is probably going to get me into a lot of trouble: it’s true that women have been known to say “no” and mean “yes.” *Gasp!* But guess what? The solution remains the same: take the pressure off, and she’ll be more willing to say and show you that underlying yes. Keep pushing and that coy, insincere “no” is increasingly likely to turn sincere. Stay playful and insouciant, see her “no” as just another enjoyable aspect of foreplay, and she’ll be far more likely to keep the game going and pushing things forward on her own.

  • The bottom line is, regardless of why a woman is saying “no,” the most effective response (which, conveniently, is also the only ethical one) is to stop what you’re doing and give her some space. Chances are, as soon as you do, she will start reaching back toward you.

And if she doesn’t? There’s a reason. A reason you don’t need to know, and may not even want to know.

So let it go, man. Just let it go.

To sum up: sexual resistance is not a dragon to be slain. It’s just an emotion. And like any other emotion, the more you fight it, the stronger it becomes. Resisting resistance only makes it more powerful, as Cydian explained in his article on The Not-Okay-No Effect. Resistance is foiled only by genuine acceptance. Accept the no. Embrace the no. Only then can the no become a yes. 


STEP 3: Always, Always, ALWAYS spend at least 20 minutes to 30 minutes of FOREPLAY on her!

The purpose of this last stage of Anti-LMR is to turn her on so much, that she’s not using her logical mind. All the, “Will I get pregnant?” and “Does this make me a slut?” thoughts are gone and she is only doing what her body tells her is good for her.

In this case, her body will want as much of me as possible, and I’ll tell you why.

After all the thoughts were stirred and all my cards were on the table, I told her I was completely fine just kissing her.

She told me she wouldn’t even take off her shirt and I told her that was totally cool by me, but did that mean all skin showing was fair game?

Yes,” She said. I then proceed to:

  1. I kissed her neck and down across her collar bone.
  2. Over her tank-top strap and down her arm.
  3. I kissed down her upper-arm and began to nibble at the inside of her elbow.
  4. She exhaled, heavily. “Okay, I’m turned on.
  5. She quickly pulled off her tank-top.
  6. I had a much larger playing field, but I still had to take it slow.

I’ll spare you the details, but there was a lot of inner-thigh licking and nibbling and blowing cold air over warm, wet spots and suddenly, she was begging for me to get inside of her.

I told her, several times, that, “I’m not going to fuck you because I made a promise to you.”

Pretty soon she was on top of me, grinding her pubic bone against me and peeling off the rest of her clothing.

The more I said “No”, the more she begged.

After I finally knew she wasn’t doing it to prove a point, I let her have it and, four orgasms later, we moved to the other bed in the room (hotel, of course), on account of having destroyed the first one.

Once again, we have some seriously yucky underlying theory here. The idea that you are trying to get her to stop “using her logical mind” suggests that women have no logical reason for wanting sex, only physical/biological urges. The deeply disturbing implication of this is that women A. are irrational creatures whose bodies are working against their best interests, and B. must be tricked into having sex because, logically, they should not even want it.

Thanks, rape culture!

Look, as discussed above, women do have logical reasons to be wary of sex. But they also have plenty of perfectly sound reasons to want sex. Probably the same ones you have. It is as unnecessary as it is unethical to purposefully cultivate a state of mind in which a woman will work against her own best interests to satisfy some mysterious, unspecified biological imperative. It’s also a bunch of pseudo-scientific nonsense.

Instead, try starting from the assumption that she wants sex just as much as you do. That she desires and enjoys sex immensely, and that it therefore IS in her best interests to have sex, provided she desires it right now and with you. Which is where the actual technique described here comes in.

These are pretty standard, time-tested seduction tactics. You simply move more slowly than she’s expecting you to, gratify her physically and emotionally, and express explicit enjoyment of what’s already happening every step of the way. Not only do you never push her to go further, you continually pull back, giving her the opportunity to chase you, to bring you back, to keep that forward momentum going herself. Only then do you know for sure that you have a woman’s genuine, enthusiastic consent.

Once again, though, Jones pushes the reverse-psychology to an unnecessarily dishonest, integrity-eroding point by insisting that he isn’t going to fuck her because he “made a promise” and repeatedly telling her “no.” That kind of charade will break down trust over time and is likely to lead to morning-after regrets. It also perpetuates the idea that it’s okay to disrespect or ignore a person’s sexual resistance, which is exactly what we’re trying to correct here.

Happily, you can achieve the same effect by simply focusing on how much you’re enjoying what’s already happening. Tell her how much you love that little noise she makes when you kiss her neck. Tell her you could spend all night just running your fingertips over her skin. If she tells you she wants you inside of her (and if you’re doing it right, there’s a very high likelihood of that occurring), respond with something along the lines of,

“But I haven’t even gotten to _______ you yet,” or simply, “What’s the rush? I’m just warming up…”

See? No need to lie. No need to go back on a “promise.” All you need is patience.

As Dex put it in The Tao of Steve,

“Girls want it fifteen minutes later than guys, so if you hold out for twenty, she’ll be chasing you for five.”

And that, my friends, is the opposite of rape-y.

Why “Nice Guys” really do finish last (Spoiler: it’s their own damn fault)

I have a little story for you. It’s a story that’s probably all-too-familiar to a lot of you, but I’m guessing you haven’t heard it from this perspective as of yet.

So, I had this friend. A guy-friend. He was smart, fit, relatively wealthy, helpful, thoughtful, quietly charming, and possessed of a fabulously dry sense of humor. All in all, a very nice guy.

We spent most of our waking hours together, and pretty much everyone assumed we were dating.

But we weren’t.

Instead, he was the one I talked to about the cute guy who flirted with me in Philosophy class, or the guy who was PERFECT for me but already had a girlfriend, or the player who rocked my world and never called again. He was the one who came driving up in his shining Toyota Camry to rescue me when the chain came off of my bike on my way home from the grocery store. Who brought me a thermos of hot soup when I’d been in class all day and had to go straight to play rehearsal with no break. Who helped me move. Three times.

That is, until…

There’s always an “until” in lop-sided relationship like this. Now, at the time, I didn’t see it that way. I thought I had won the friend lottery. I mean, he did all that and never asked for a damn thing: what a sweet guy! In retrospect, I realize that by making his help and company available all the time without asking for anything in return, he devalued it. That’s just basic economics.

In my case, the “until” came when he’d had a few beers, and showed up on my doorstep to tell me off. He said a lot of things that night, none of them easy to hear, but two things caught my ear:

1. He told me that he had only gone out with “Samantha” in the hopes that it would make me jealous, and that he dumped her, over the phone, the morning after I let him stay over (because it was snowing).

2. Something of this ilk: “Why do you insist on sleeping with these assholes, when I’m right here, always there for you, just waiting for you to wake up and realize that I’m your soul mate?”

Rather than waking me up to our soul-matedness, what his sloppy confession made me realize was:

A. He had broken the heart of innocent-bystander Samantha (who was quite lovely, BTW) just to get a rise out of me.

B. He had been completely dishonest with me about the nature of our relationship, and his feelings for me, from the beginning. And he thought little enough of my taste to refer to *everyone* I dated as an asshole.

That was the end of our “friendship.”

Why did this “nice guy” finish last?

It *wasn’t* because:

– Kindness isn’t sexy (it is)

– No good deed goes unpunished (there are plenty of clichés to counter this one, among them “goodness is its own reward”)

– Women are all a bunch of masochists (we’re not)

So why do women always end up breaking the hearts of Nice Guys (TM) and giving the best years of their lives to Bad Boys (TM) (read: assholes)?

Because, in reality, they don’t.

Now, it may seem that way from the perspective of a guy like the one in my story. But I have some important news for the self-labeled “Nice Guys” in the crowd:

Nice Guy vs. Bad Boy is a false dichotomy. In other words, these are concepts that are pitted against one another when in reality they are not opposites. They aren’t even real. They are convenient labels that men apply to themselves and the guys who are sleeping with the women they want.

People have desires, men and women. To try and dictate what those desires should be is not nice. It is invalidating and disrespectful.

Take the “Nice Guy” who tells a woman that “just friends” is just fine, when in reality he is simply waiting less-than-patiently for her to open up the gates of pants paradise. He believes he is justified because “Women should want [nice] guys like him.” But, there are a lot of people, myself included, who think this misleading behavior is anything but “nice.” Manipulative? Yes. Passive Aggressive? You bet. Cowardly? Boy howdy. But “nice”? Hardly.

“But wait” (some of you are probably thinking), “I thought you said not to show interest at first! Isn’t that ‘misleading?’ You know, be desireless and all that.”

Oh good, you *have* been paying attention! But here’s what you’re not getting: “at first” means until you have sufficiently piqued her interest to the point where she starts to show interest in you.

It’s a basic rule that the socially intelligent understand to the core of their being and animals live by: “That which retreats is chased and that which chases is retreated from.” So if she doesn’t show interest in you? You retreat from her. You MOVE ON. You don’t stand around like her valet, waiting for a chance to hold her shopping bags in hopes that she’ll toss you some sugar like it’s some kind of tip. That’s as creepy as it is ineffective.

If you want to buy sex, take a trip to Reno. Or Amsterdam. You can’t, and shouldn’t, purchase sex from a woman with acts of kindness. It’s demeaning to the whole concept of friendship.

Meanwhile, BE DESIRELESS means exactly that. BE. Don’t simply ACT desireless or cleverly disguise a desperate desire to be with a woman as a casual inclination to be pals. Meaning: you need to get to the point where you are happy enough with your own life, and comfortable enough entertaining yourself, that you don’t NEED anything from these women. YOU have something to offer THEM, and if they aren’t ready to accept it, that’s their loss.

In retrospect, I realize I was, in fact, taking advantage of my “friendship” with the Nice Guy in question. I allowed him to spend more time and energy on me than I was willing to expend on him, or on our relationship. If I were his dating coach instead of his love interest, I would’ve advised him to get that girl to show interest in him by being valuable (not devaluing himself by making all his support totally available at no cost) and being fun (by creating tension in addition to comfort). If he had, he and I might have made a lovely couple.

So, why do “Nice Guys” finish last?

Because instead of racing, they stand along the sidelines, waiting for someone to hand them a medal.

But worse than that, they hurt people. Themselves, mostly, but also the women they are “friends” with and the women they use to bait, and then to try and get over, these “friends” when it becomes clear that that’s all they will ever be.

That said, I do recognize that they do all this with the very best of intentions. If I am harsh here it’s because I love these well-intentioned, often-hurt fellas, and want them to get out of this harmful pattern NOW. I want them to start owning what they want, and to recognize that giving away their valuable time, energy, help, companionship, etc., for free is NOT the way to get it.

In short: I want them to WIN their own medal. And to realize they don’t have to stop being nice in order to do it.