A person is not a fetish

Congrats! Someone liked you enough to want to help you improve your online dating skills. They could have just trashed your message. Instead they sent you to here.

Your ego is probably not happy about this. Understandable. But we are here to help you get better at this. Your ego doesn’t care.

What went wrong:

You treated a person like a fantasy fetish. In other words, you interacted with a stranger, not as a unique individual but as a sexual object.

IneedaMistress: Good afternoon, Goddess. I am not worthy of your attention, but can’t help but write to you anyway. I will accept your punishment, whatever it may be.

Unless you are addressing a professional dominatrix, or are on a BDSM website addressing someone who identifies as a domme, this kind of message is simply inappropriate. Get consent before you start in with the sexy power exchange play.

And if you’re addressing all women as “Goddess”, how special are we?

Luvmilf: Damn your fine, no way your almost 40!
ME: *You’re*
Luvmilf: Naw, I’m only 24. But don’t worry, I’m into the cougs. 😉

This just doesn’t fly. If you really want to bag a cougar, treat her like a person first, and a hot, experienced woman who wants to do you — later.

The same goes for young women. Or Latinas. Or black dudes. Or curvy gals. Or skinny guys. Or women wearing red patent leather pumps. They are individuals with unique characteristics and will respond to you more favorably when you treat them that way.

Finally, it’s a bad idea to announce your sexual interests in your username. It limits your options. A lot.

Anal-Fetish: Wow, what a beautiful… face!

Or even worse:

I_like_ugly_girls: Wow, you are so my type!


What you should do instead:

Look, we get that online seems the perfect venue to find people whose proclivities match up with yours. But even if you do find someone who tickles your fetish spot, you need to start by treating them like a whole person.

We women want you to write to us because of all the uniquely wonderful qualities we possess, not because we are roughly the right shape and size to fit into your fantasy box. So, if you’ve got a pervy username, ditch it.

And when you write to that georgous kinkster critter, make an effort to learn about them as a person, and to offer them something in addition to your fantasy desire. You can treat them like your fav fetish later, after you know them a lot better.

Now… get back in the ring and play some more! We wish you good game!


Two Girls On Dating

What is this? You are reading Online Dating Etiquette Tip #113.

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